You're reading me

It has been quite long since I first started this blog. Well not very long if my lifespan is until 60. Nonetheless I am happy the way it has turned out to be. You know how I always have a history of doing something with temporary enthusiasm. Apparently this blog is still kicking since I had first written. So not bad I would think.

Looking back at some point, there were times when I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning and hurry to the library where the words would just come by and I would tell my story. This blog somehow gave structure and a purpose to my day. This place….I’ve figured, is actually me.

In this world that I don’t always understand, I do know that it is inevitable for us to being rejected at some point in life. All we have to do is to accept rejection with grace. And when the timing is right, reject acceptance appropriately.

For so long I’d been unable to reach out to find someone whom I can speak my thoughts to. Not that they are not there, but guess I’m just too aware and afraid of the rejection or pity or scorn, whenever I tell them how I actually feel about things.

But here I am, being anonymous, safe. The connection and relationship I have with this place, is priceless. It somehow brings me back to life again.

It is always nice to know there will be people out there who might be reading this.

Seriously, if I knew I was going to die, I would want a living funeral for this blog. A morbid thought indeed, but a thought nonetheless.

P/S: Something is not right. I seem to be thinking about the marriage wedding more than I thought I would.

P/S/S: Been watching a lot of Ellen lately and found out Oprah actually helped her out during her worst times. But she is a true example of how a person is being slapped down so hard to the ground and pulled herself up again and moved on. Guess that’s what life is all about. In the end its not how fast or how slow you run, it's how far you can actually stand running.

When a picture is worth more

You know how we always try to look our best in photographs and almost always get disappointed whenever we don’t? It’s frustrating and disgusting when we see ourselves and wonder, ‘Is that me?’ or ‘Where am I, I thought I took the pictures with them?’

Sometimes we see people fiercely staring at the camera like they are really angry; sometimes we see them with their skull partly tilted to one side like their right brain is heavier than the left; sometimes we see them with that reeeally irritating smile and a peace sign which says ‘I’m powerless;’ sometimes we see them with their head so high up their nose are scraping the ceiling and sometimes, only sometimes, we see a decent unpretentious smile somewhere in the picture.

Fact is, I don’t like having my pictures taken. Worse still, published without my knowledge. Until I see it somewhere in the other side of the world and realize ‘Gee that face looks kinda familiar.’

Then again, we don’t always get to control the way things are in this world. People tend to take and publish your photos as they like. Some even have the tendency to photoshop you so you would have one less eye, or maybe a tainted tooth or they might just color your face so you looked bruised and make your pregnant.

Of course things are different when you are Katie Holmes or Brad Pitt or even Ellen DG; who always look good even if they don’t smile, because these people, they always have Gucci on, or Prada, or Chanel, and no one will ever care even if they wore their Dolce and Gabanna inside out. Better still, when they do decide not to dress up at all. God knows what will happen to me if I have my naked pictures taken!

Not only that, they have a pretty face which obviously earns them more than a penthouse on Fifth Avenue. So you see, that is the reason why they don’t mind having their pictures taken and published and photoshopped. Simply because they are generously paid.

Unlike me. Sigh.

I’m starting to wonder why I’m writing this post. I’m not ranting or anything but guess I have to get the message through that, unless you are selling it to Vogue or Cleo for a cover page, please kindly don’t take and publish my freaking photos anymore.

Thank you for your future cooperation.

Life is a piece of cake

When I first saw the cake, it had icing all over. The colors were not too bright or too fancy - just nice, in my opinion. It looked smooth and attractive compared to the others. Muffins always appear too stiff and donuts too empty. So I bought it without further thought and kept it no longer than 5 seconds; then I ate.

Upon consumption, I find the icing a little rough in texture. It was sweeter than I had imagined. The middle layer of the cake was rock solid, unlike the first impression I had about it being soft and spongy. Sometimes I tried to liquefy it with orange juice but that was no tolerance, because while I managed to swallow it, the mixture almost spoilt the original taste, and I ended up disappointing myself.

Hence I abandoned the piece of cake and began looking for another one.

Looking for a suitable cake is not always easy. Along the way, you will get distracted by the people around you. They will most probably tell you sweet sounding lies with irresponsible exaggeration and for a long time you would be delusional in what you are really looking for. Was it a banana cream cheese or just a plain cheese?

Only after purchasing and tasting will you feel the pang of disappointment. Either or, the banana cream cheese was an obvious wrong choice. Such betrayals; often make me realize that it is undoubtedly safer to go on my quest alone because nobody will be allowed to promise anything with fleeting hopes. Nobody will tell me otherwise when I am aware that the cake I want most is the cake I can’t find. Simply because it’s not there.

Then I will stop searching. For a moment I will stare at the ceiling but after that I will move on. I will go somewhere else. But as tough as looking for a cake can be, usually the person who suffer most are those who don’t know which cake they really want.

The journey in search for a piece of cake is quite similar to the game of life. You get distracted along the way by the people around. You get fooled and you get beaten. They make you sadder, but in a way make you wiser and any cake that does not kill you only makes you stronger (They have calories).

Many people say in times of turbulence, hardship builds character. But the way I see it, it reveals character more than it builds. Hence if life is a game, then I will be a better player tomorrow than I was today; simply because I have learned not to play the game by the rules anymore.

The funny thing is...

I didn’t know this, but a blook means a book published from a blog. It’s amazing what the digital world is making to our vocabularies. The next thing you know they might just sell their blooks on ebay and call them blookebay or ebloeay or something.

Speaking of ebay, I’ve been thinking of getting entrepreneurial and sell something one of these days. Maybe I would put my brother on auction just to see how much he’s worth :-)

Did some odd jobs today; apart from hardly completing half of my assignment. Studied some industrial relation rules in preparation for the upcoming test. Fried two eggs for lunch. Scolded the neighborhood dog for an hour in the evening. Another day has gone by. It will really be scary if each day is like this.

Things are pretty hectic now since it’s almost the mid semester already. I can see myself starting to avoid the crowd again. It’s not like I get to avoid them whenever I like because the school is such a small place; we’re bound to meet each other again in 5 minutes anyway. But I do try to avoid unnecessary encounters.

I’m not anti-social if you think I am. I don’t know how my father and mother brought me up as a child, however since childhood I was always on guard and never gullible. I always knew how to preserve distance; had a strong sense of privacy and could not understand the so-called brotherhood or sisterhood culture manifested by some cliques during school days. I was much more a solo.

P/S: I’ve just received and immediately declined an invitation to a wedding luncheon on March 30^th. Apparently a long lost friend is getting married. I must admit, that she was once a very close friend of mine. But the funny thing is, I’m not at all thrilled. Or feel anything a person is suppose to feel when a friend is tying the knot.

In fact, I’m indifferent.

Why am I not moved by this supercalifragilisticexpialidocious news?

I’m starting to wonder myself. But guess personally, if given the choice, I would attend a funeral rather than a wedding. Hmm...

Hold the cheers

I’ve always felt that Penang had been orphaned at birth. While it has minimum resources, most of the financial capital contributing to the country’s GDP does come from this state. Because of this, we had often been abused and exploited without doubt.

Of course, after the first time betrayal succeeded, it was easy for them to do it again and again.

They always had brilliant plans for us. They even suggested a 10 year plan under the PGCC which I think is going to stop now. The funny thing about having a plan is, they don’t always cater for the unexpected. So, what do we do now that they have been overruled?

We improvise.

Just like what people do when they lose a hand after having plans to be a pianist; they basically focus on keeping their other hand instead.

Hence we did much thinking about how we’ve been unable to reach out for so long. And we thought right. We need change. We need change that we can depend on. The people have realized that sometimes, what they want is really what they need; while what they need - is simply a new plan.

For the first time it feels like Penang is regaining a father. The nation has responded with joy about the landslide democratic victory. This is something new and it feels like there is some form of confidence and hope, because for many years before, we could only use magical thinking to imagine the government ever making a difference.

In many ways this victory has brought the people back to life again.

But the real question is how we can find life now, without celebrating death?

P/S: Malaysia boleh :-) da di da...

Ellen DeGeneres is gRayT

Hi there everyone. I see that you see that I've changed my blog address. Very well. Anyway, this is a post tribute to Ellen DG. She's the most inspiring person I know as of now. I think all of you should know her as well.

Ellen, if you are reading this, know that I inspire to be you. You are a blessing in gayguise. God says if you think hard enough about what you want to do in life you would eventually figure it out. I've thought about it and I have a purpose in life now, that is to be on your show.

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” ROFL!


her self composed "the emmy song"

Just a footnote, I heard being gay is religiously wrong. Does that mean gays can't be religious? Questions like this open up my eyes, gays are humans too, WHY do you feel it is WRONG?

When you grow up, being bombarded with messages subconsciously or as blatantly as they can be, that there is something wrong with you, simply for being gay or for whatever reason, for the color of your skin, it's hard. It's hard enough for a human being to get self respect and its hard enough to deal with the fear of rejection and approval and it gets worse and worse as you get older.

Do you seriously think people like this don't need our support to compensate their compounded situation?

Sometimes I think, these are good people. They are not crazy freaks. Don't hurt them. Don't despise them. Just let them be. I know how some of you can't accept the idea of a gay relationship yet. So we'll just leave that as that.

More importantly, it always hurts me to see people declaring their love, being unaware of the split-up they'll face soon. Gay or not, in this situation, they are the same people going through heartbreaks.

XOXO

Maybe I will

I have just gone through my email folder where I keep mails I want to keep. Guess that is why many people prefer electronic materials, because you get to choose what you like and save it, and choose what you don't like and delete it.

In my case, I've just read all the mails I kept before and deleted them after rereading. I suddenly felt a need to delete them, though I very much want to save them.

The last mail I kept, was dated 2004. While reading, my soul was brought back to the past and my spirit let down by the reality of the day. I realise, that I am no longer the person in the mail.

As I read the mails with detachment, I was able to relate more to the things that I wasn't ready to accept back then. I was able to see both sides. I know, many things have happened since. Many things have changed. And I am certainly a better person than I was before. Or so I would like to believe.

Then again, maybe there is some truth in saying that people don't change much, they just argue better.

Somebody told me, "Remember not to revive past relationships. Don't romanticise anything. Just accept all in totality. Let it be. Let it all be. The past is dead and meaningless and should be buried. Do not try to rationalise anything, because all will result in the same logic, the same justifications, the same reasons why."

But I am a rational being. To not rationalise is difficult to the verge of impossibility. The problem with me is the past is not meaningless to me. How can something of the past be meaningful, you say? Well perhaps it's not something that matters most, it's someone.

Then again, like I've said, I've deleted all the mails that I've once kept. The next step is to burn away possessions.

Maybe I won't have the heart to. Maybe I will.