Lost in translation

I woke up with a realization today, that people are mostly living in lies and self delusion. Of course I didn’t just go to bed last night and woke up with a sudden light in my head, but I have been thinking about this for quite some time. Just didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words.

Few years ago I studied a literature prose that mentioned about a man who found a place he loved and decided to end his life at sixty. I don’t remember if he had died exactly at sixty or not, but he died peacefully overlooking an island; the place he loved most. It was all he ever wanted. He worked and saved enough just to live until sixty, went to the only place he loved and spent the rest of his lifetime there. To him, being able to pass his time there was the only thing that mattered. I am sure many of you know about this story; remind me of the title though.

I never understood entirely the idea of this literature. Is it about a man who had decided to avoid all clamors in life? And figured it would be best to lead a simple life thus tried to end his own life at sixty when he was fated to be alive? Sometimes I wonder if the author had deliberately forgotten to write down that he had also lost his mind.

I mean, would any of you, at any point in life, give up everything, to pursuit just one thing, that you have always wanted?

I just have the impression that the man in the story never grew up. Perhaps it was a clue to this marvelous prose. Most of us chase ourselves in pursuing a better life, better fortune, better cars, better husband, better career. While we race ourselves to fit in the community, in other words to be ahead, to be famous, to be known, to be somebody; the man in the story only wanted to be happy.

I have read once, that rising to fame is mostly a matter of luck; or misunderstanding; and that there is not much difference between genius and mediocrity. It is a pity that the majority cannot transcend their own self delusions and return to ordinary aspirations.

I believe sometimes god withdraws something from me, so I can remind myself that nothing is permanent. Then I try not to let too much go into my head. However, I guess I will never have the courage of the man in the story to escape to an island, just like that. Often I start to dabble in minor issues, and then I make noises and fury so I can be heard at home, in school, abroad. And I delude myself into thinking that I am actually somebody.

Truth is, without ordinary aspirations, I am nobody.

Nobody at all.

Back to abnormal

As of midnight yesterday, I have decided that celebrating Chinese New Year is no longer to my liking.

For one, the television programs are all rescheduled for its sake. I couldn’t watch NCIS at 8tv because they canceled it for the celebration week. Usually it doesn’t get so dramatic when I miss an episode, but because I huddled with the four cuddly pillows on the comfortable golden couch in my luxurious living room (we glued money on the wall for CNY), I was heated when they aired some other programs instead. I am astounded by how brash and hasty the channel has become. This totally changed my good thoughts on them in more than one significant way.

I mean, after three years of portraying my love and loyalty to 8tv, it seemed to me they should have sent me a letter of acknowledgement at least, in advance. Just to inform me about the rescheduling so I won’t have to huddle eagerly in front of that non-enthusiastic black box and wait for days. Of course, 8tv and I were never married. We committed a dalliance for three years, but not anything more serious. No vows exchanged, no affection expressed. However, now that it has shown its true colors by treating me with indifference, I guess that is a problem. Perhaps I should only give indifference in return.

Secondly, prices hike unnecessarily during CNY. I can offer no ready acceptance to the staggering prices of raw materials in the market. The butcher sliced through our throats for five or six days before CNY, and it stirs them with pleasure. The fish monger has no change for a dollar hence charge you the extras and this seems to please him more than any other money he had earned all day. The cabby conveniently neglects to stop the meter after you have reached your destination, and made you pay him additional twenty cents. Almost everybody cheats a little during CNY.

I do not intend to dwell excessively in the domestic crimes during CNY, nor am I vastly concerned with the politics behind it. I just do not want to see children playing fire crackers without adult supervision because their favorite cartoons are rescheduled, and I do not want to see tears in any fathers’ eyes because they can’t afford to buy even a chicken for morning rituals on first day of CNY. These are real indifference. For some reason, I resent the horrid smartness during CNY that sends hundreds of people to eat at expensive restaurants serving mediocre food, or drink at five star coffee bean, because it’s fashionable to be seen there.

However, Chinese New Year offers some prizes I will miss, those I don’t get to see during other seasons in the year. In no other time will I see such beautiful people and children, they stride rapidly and with purpose, all in their bright colorful dresses, their faces filled with vitality and they seem to meet life eagerly.

Guess there is always two sides to every story. The tempo of the celebration is exhilarating, yet poignant at some level. I suppose everyone will come to this point in life and can’t avoid not thinking about these things, right :)

How was your Chinese New Year?

Strange but true

Ever since I discovered that there were almost thirty plus species of plants in my garden four days ago, I have decided to be a good host and water them twice everyday; once in the morning and another in the evening.

My first attempt started off well. I woke up early, early enough, to water them before they expose themselves to the burning heat of the sun. Because they all looked somewhat demised, I couldn’t stand having to see them suffer silently so I fed them each a few spoons of fertilizer. After five hours, I checked on them again and they all looked prolific and astounding - just like the Grammy awards.

Nowadays when I attend to them, they would bow at me, for saving their lives when they were most crucial. Being their savior, I can’t reject their honorary behaviors blindly. I feel it is disrespectful to ignore such blessings from Mother Nature. Hence I give them my one finger salute whenever I visit them, as an act of reciprocal gesture. These plants are powerful mortals for they had given me a sense of self glory when I saved them from the verge of destruction.

With this, I would like the take the opportunity to thank the plants who helped mold my personality today, especially to my begonias. You were a source of inspiration, my true guidance to imperfections. You have shown me that one must always stay robust against all source of turbulence when you held on through the sizzling sun. You have shown me the meaning of genuine generosity when you didn’t fight back the flea that reproduced on your healthy leaf. In fact, I seriously find that very inconsiderate of him.

Last but not least, thank you for being there when I needed you. I know I have made a very significant moral choice when I took up the challenge to take care of all of you. Honestly sometimes I feel you are beyond my capabilities when you puncture me mercilessly with your rigid thorns. But I will survive and strive on as long as you don’t give up trying to live for yourself. Maybe I will start a trust fund for us one day.

When I lack of something better to do.

Now that it struck me, it is almost beyond belief; that I am actually in control and could destroy or preserve thirty over species of living plants with my bare hands.

Wow.

Then again, nahh…the Malaysian reject is still human until further notice.

When ballet came back

I had never imagined my life being associated to dancing, what more to ballet.

Since my bike was a four wheeler, I chided over the thought of my mother sending me to ballet lessons. Even when I never knew what ballet was, I refused to compromise negotiations about ballet with my mother. She forced me twice but I was intransigent even at my tender years, so she gave up. After that, I remember learning how to play the scales, arpeggios on piano and never heard of ballet again.

How seasons have changed.

If only I knew I would be playing the piano for a ballet school fifteen years later, I would have gladly learned how to do the arabesque and plies when my mother wanted me to. For heaven’s sake, I might have been able to dance Giselle or Swan Lake already by now! Nonetheless, if I turn out having a sickle foot, knowledge about ballet would only aid me to be a better piano player than I am now. And I have lost that chance because I didn’t listen to my mother.

It seems such a waste now, and such a huge price to pay only for not freaking listening at the right time.

The thing about mothers is they always want what is best for us. How I wish I could have understood that fifteen years ago.

Every weekend when I play for ballet, I would see how they practice their pas de chats or sautés or allegros or grand battements so vigorously. Life as a dancer is not easy I must say. If there is no true passion inside, then it’s really better to not get on the floor. The mentor is the most important person in the room. In my case, she is the best dancer amongst all. I feel great honor to play for her whenever she decides to dance. What a shame to say, I am the only non dancer in the entire school.

Sigh, c’est la vie.

In a world of intellectual pursuits and cerebral interests, it’s good to acknowledge that there are more and more dancers waiting to bloom. Dancing is like an expression of the inner being, the elegance of a soul portrayed through sincere physical movements. It is not about being emotional, but about being able to express emotions. Definitely so, and when you are dancing, you owe nothing to the public, except for a good performance. It is a sense of satisfaction you get and it won’t matter at all when all you are earning is more praise than money.

Instead of thinking what you can get from life, these things add on to life. Just for the record, when you have the chance to learn something new, grab it. You won’t know what you stand to lose. Mothers are very capable humans, don't disobey them. You don't want to regret not listening. Trust me.