Why I deserve a scholarship

I am a less remote figure, often seen tapping the desk and looking around. I have known to model a smoking volcano in my fourth year, making them more intriguing with verbal sound effects. I translate my mother tongue for Canadian tourists, I write award winning essays, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I wake up before the alarm clock rings three days in a row.

I impress old men with skill and style when piano playing; I can pedal bicycles with critical speed and I can bake twenty minutes cake in ten minutes. I am an expert in painting, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Singapore.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a democrat. I don’t smoke. I camped in the field for a good course. My deft floral plantings have earned me fame in neighborhood botany. Children smile at me.

I play the guitar, I was recruited by the Rangers, I was voted president in class for five consecutive years. When I am bored I build sand castles for my pet tortoise, Gordon. Critics worldwide condemn over my original style of formal wear.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my fees are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I play the piano for a ballet school to continue living. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I breed prize winning oysters. I have won chess competitions and spelling bees. I have read Shakespeare, I have gone through blood donation and I have spoken to God.

But I have not yet gone to university.

p/s: And you wonder why I never got the scholarship.

Just thinking out loud

Throughout the years, I have grown up to like playing chess. The black and white movements usually look transparent and obvious though in reality most things move in grey shadows.

Sometimes I must admit I tend to succumb to all that pressure. It is not easy when the people around you have their intentions neatly covered. They claim you as their best buddy but in one way or another, you experience something totally the opposite. They outstrip you when you are still soundly asleep. Until you finally open one of your eyes, they immediately kick you and force you down like a tonne of bricks. They stab you from the back and you won’t even know it. Until you realize, the damage will already be done and you will have another wound to live with.

But I am glad, the scar had not pained me for 2 years now. All is good.

Such intensity and vigor, is what constantly keeps me away from pursuing anything. To commit myself and be vulnerable is something I'm not comfortable with. Perhaps I am still too young to believe that not everything will turn out right. Losing perspective at such an age isn’t all that forgivable is it.

Have you ever ask yourself if it is fear or courage that compels you?

Maybe writing here is the beginning of a journey to somewhere, but the end is still unwritten. If you must know, and seriously I don’t know what else is there to do in this website, I am currently in a foul dilemma. And this is the place to pour out all my mystifications and bewilderments, here, this simple act of confession – to everyone and no one at the same time.

Sometimes I just wish I could let it all go.

In spite of everything, the rest of me is still happy. Just settled, perhaps. Content with what I have now versus what I used to have before. Life is funny like that. Very soon I’m just a pretty face with nothing but myself to keep me company.

S, just so you know that I am grateful for the warmth of having someone else to talk to and stop me from going over the edge sometimes. Because I always see you as someone so much more mature and senior, you often knock some sense into my head whenever I need someone to. The confusions, I’m afraid will be with me so long as I live.

Yet here I sit. And there you are. And no one, not even us, think it should be otherwise. Because though we are worlds apart (Thanks to the invention of internet), I have found myself a friend and being able to know you is a blessing in disguise. Similarly to the game of chess, I must have advanced my knight triumphantly to check you, mate!

And really, it is not so bad. I must say, it is fantastically ordinary. And that is probably enough.

Peace out!

Hard fax that come by

Cameron Diaz once said she is a vagina with a thought, and that is almost an irony in Hollywood. But I am beginning to discover that in my country, people are becoming less human and more disturbing.

Flipping through the papers this morning, I read about a teenager caught red handed for pick pocketing. He was released on bail and I wonder if he would steal again. Or will he go around begging instead. Then I read about the disheartening crash of the Nuri chopper. They discovered 6 RMAF soldiers’ dead body. I wonder why the Defense Ministry still make them use it after so many deaths. Do they never learn? Obviously there is something mysteriously wrong about those vehicles. Peoples’ lives here are at stake because of their actions! After that I read about the never ending Mongolian murder trial. The brutal slaughter of the neighborhoods child. The suicide bombings which killed 17 innocent civilians. These cases of rape, abuse, robbery, you name it, is not something new anymore nowadays. In fact, if there is none, it is a miracle.

You can understand now why sometimes I prefer to just skip the earlier parts and go straight to the comic’s section. At least while reading comics, I am alleviated from the pains of reality. They make me sober. No, they keep me sober.

Having said all of these, I am only being a chronic critic, censurer, and complainer. I am one but still I am one. Yet I am doing nothing more than being aware of public encounters. I am doing nothing while I should be a supporter, a protagonist, an optimist.

What happened to me? (Shakes head)

Dr.Grey is right. Everybody in this world can fall blindly in love, believing that all they need is someone to wake up to, but not everybody can manage a scalpel and save a life. If you have two completely capable working hands, then you better work. Especially if you are equip with creditable knowledge and talent. There are many people out there who are in need of help. You don’t need an inspiration to start working. You don’t wait for inspirations to come to you! These helpless people out there, aren’t they inspirational enough to you?

Now that I realize my lost dream, is actually to become a doctor. But like I mentioned before, it is a lost dream. And I’ve learnt in time, that not everything that is lost can be found.

Maybe I’m destined to only be a patient; and never on the other side of the bed. Many things had happened during high school years. So many events, that they constantly rock and vacillate my firm beliefs in friendship, love, hope, betrayal, revenge and truth. Things normally don't turn up the way I anticipate them to. So don't tell me the popular phrase of if you believe you can, you can.

I suppose now, I don’t even know how to believe anymore.

Do you?

The fairer sex

Although I am now smarter in writing, it is still nothing short of magic to string together words in a way that made people notice and care. This is the answer to my prayers, to be able to touch people in a way that I had not been able to with my actions or the words from my mouth. Today is of no exception, I will begin to tune my rant with psychological nicety.

In recent months you have acted like you are the superhero among my friends. You execute your words like they were some cheap tomatoes and smash them on the floor so we could clean them up for you. You talk like an unsecured shithead jerk and still think that we are all happy about you hanging around us. You cling to us like a life jacket but you are nothing more than a piece of jagged little pill to me. Don’t you ever speak like that to me again, you impolite insolent rude jackass! Seriously, your ego is too big for such a small head.

What’s with men and their mega egotistical attitude now?

Oh yea and another thing, I dont know whether you are just so bloody stupid or plain stupid. I'm too dumbfounded by your insufficient intelligence to even classify which category you belong to. If you want something done, do it yourself, enquire for help, read up about it and you absofuckinglutely do not, I repeat, do not, request me to whip up an entire imperial banquet for you, cooked to perfection, placed on finely-crafted porcelain ware, served it right in front of you with utensils and still have the nerve to expect me to feed you when you are perfectly capable of doing so yourself, you fucktard!

Oh please, drama drama. Seriously. Like i care. (Special quote from linsey)

Things would have been so much different if the men of this country had been women instead.

Skeleton in me, white or yellow?

Hardly a day goes by when we do not come across a single word of Chinese in the television, hear spoken Chinese in the radio or read Chinese literature in the media. Come to think of it, I have grown up in a very Chinese environment. But does it make me more Chinese than I already am? Or did Muslim school made me less Chinese than before?

Yesterday I attended my first class in learning Confucius teachings. Though it is not a Chinese course, the syllabus somewhat requires one to know Chinese at least to the very basic if it’s Pinyin. Of course with Pinyin I feel a better Chinese than I already am. In fact I can even read fast and pretend like I am a good at it!

When I was a kid I had all this energy and anger that was never spoken about. I had always blamed my father for not giving me the best education, by all means ‘best’ means allowing me to go to a Chinese school. Then I soon grew up to discard that unscrupulous thought as I learned that it doesn’t mean I can’t learn Chinese if I don’t go to a Chinese school. However, English itself was enough for me to get through my teenage years. If I needed a challenge to test my limits, a journey that would lead me into adulthood, I figured learning English was enough to get me there. It still is.

Until yesterday, I discovered that English is actually quite inadequate. How can I not absorb any Chinese literature all this while when I’ve always been surrounded by them? It’s not like I didn’t know English is inadequate before, but now I realize that Chinese is too important for me to not know. Being in that class, I felt alienated and totally out of my comfort zone. Everyone spoke brilliant Chinese and read fluently. Can anyone out there possibly feel what I felt in that room yesterday? How it feels to be the only person to have raised her hand when asked if anyone don’t read Chinese?

I grow up in a society that doesn’t really have rites of passage, where one confront fears and come out stronger, more resilient, and confident. And I don’t understand the need to make a journey; I usually take the car to get from A to B as quick as I can. But learning Chinese, I am not sure how far I can travel, until O? Or E? Or F perhaps? There is no short cut in learning I believe. There may be strategies but what if I even finish my PhD already by then? (It’s just a metaphor implying the long duration needed, not that I’m likely to be getting it anyway)

Just before the class ended, the lecturer told me not to feel discouraged. She told me she was like me before and hopes I get to attend more classes and give myself more time, for once I get use to reading it together with them I will get it right very soon.

I smiled and nodded.

Don’t walk away just yet, I have to ask, how Chinese are you?

Shut up if you are more Chinese than me :)

Tagging for charity

UPDATE: I am tagging Genova with PCH 138.

MarinaM tagged me for a good cause. Each tag is worth rm127 and will be donated to the Darul Izzah Orphanage in Bangi. So, blogger Idham, salutations for coming up with such a fine idea for everyone to be able to help a little.

1. A person is only as good as bad if he does nothing when he could do something

2. Friendship is always better than male bonding

3. To love is to be vulnerable

4. Money makes me have a chance to buy presents for the people I care for

5. I miss being able to sleep for 10 hours

6. My way of saying I care is by making myself available to them

7. I try to spread love and happiness by doing what I can to make a difference

8. Pick the flowers when they bloom

9. To love someone is to show them appreciation of their mere existence

10. Beauty is more than meets the eye

11. When I was thirteen, what I remember the most was myself

12. When I was twenty one, I remember (I am now 21) how it still feels like 20.

13. I am most happy when I get my pay

14. Nothing makes me happier than knowing I’m making somebody happy

15. If I can change one thing, I will change the world

16. If smiles were contagious, there will be no war

17. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could change the world?

18. If you want to text then here’s my number - 0164066975

19. Money is not everything but no money is something

20. The most touching moment I have experienced is when my mother gave birth to me

21. I smile when I see you smile

22. When I am happy, I often find something making me unhappy again

23. If only I don’t have to eat then I won’t have to be this fat

24. The best thing I did yesterday was finally sleeping for a straight 6 hours again

25. If I ever write a book, I will give it this title – The public diary (Must grab!)

26. One thing I must do before I die is save a life.

27. Doing this meme, I feel like a good person, considering what I’m doing it for.

A malay post

Mungkin kerana aku tak berada dalam keadaan kau, aku tak faham fikiran kau. Aku minta maaf. Ini bukan kali pertama aku tidak memahami kau. Tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku memberi alasan. Aku tidak pernah mendesak. Tidak pernah mahu mengetahui daripada yang mahu kau ceritakan. Mungkin aku tidak pernah menyelami maksud hatimu tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku telah meluangkan masa mendengar keluhanmu. Cuma ini saja yang dapat aku berikan.

Kelmarin kau berkata mungkin hidup kau akan lebih bahagia kalau tidak perlu menanggung beban keluarga. Mungkin kau akan dapat melanjutkan pelajaran seperti aku kalau kau tidak perlu bekerja untuk menyara hidup mak dan adik-adik kau. Kau bertanya apakah akan terjadi kalau kau berhenti kerja, bagaimana pula dengan hidup mereka?

Rae,

Kau kesal dengan pendirianmu dulu? Kenapa?

Sebab sekarang kau merasakan tak semua perkara yang berlaku memerlukan alasan. Tindakan aku jua kadangkala tak mempunyai alasan. Agaknya sekarang kau merasakan kau harus menerima keadaan seadanya saja? Adakah kau lupa apa sebenarnya cita-cita kau? Sama ada melanjutkan pelajaran itu lebih utama daripada berbakti kepada mak yang terpenting dalam hidup kau?

Tengoklah dari perspektif yang lebih baik. Kau berkata tak mustahil kalau kau akan membenci sesiapa yang menghalang cita-cita kau dengan sengaja. Aku juga berfikir begitu. Tapi kenapa kau tidak lagi dapat menggariskan cita-citamu mengikut giliran keutamaannya. Atau kenapa kau mesti berasa terkilan jika kau memilih yang satu dan kecewa kerana meninggalkan yang lainnya. Putus asakah kau?

Ketahuilah ada masanya kita akan diuji. Percayalah kalau kau berjaya dengan ujian pertama ini, kau akan jadi lebih tabah. Pandanglah hidup ini dengan pandangan baru. Aku tahu jauh di dasar hati, kau masih belum lagi boleh mengalah.

Ya memang benar kejujuran kau itu penting dalam hidup, tapi kejujuran sahaja tidak memadai. Sesungguhnya semua kehidupan dan tindakan kita mestilah dipolitikkan. Tiada janji-janji manis untuk kehidupan. Tiada jalan mudah bila semuanya diputarbelitkan. Siapa kata petani itu tidak berusaha tapi hasilnya Tuhan saja yang tahu. Aku bukan berfikiran pasif. Tapi hakikatnya begitu. Tidak terlalu sukar untuk kau menerima pendapat ini, bukan?

Aku tak menafikan memang ada kemehawan di mana-mana. Tapi kenapa nak menafikan kemiskinan dan kesusahan hidup. Kita akan sentiasa diuliti dengan kepayahan hidup biarpun kau mengambil keputusan untuk buat apa saja. Tiada apa yang percuma dalam hidup ini. Kebenaran perlu diterima walaupun pahit. Kita telah dididik dengan budaya takut dan fobia yang remeh-temeh. Takut kepada perubahan dan kritikan. Itulah politik.

Kau berkata kau penakut sebenarnya. Tapi pada siapa? Aku? Tuhan? Ketakutan seorang yang berjiwa pejuang adalah menyembunyikan kebenaran. Dia akan berasa bersalah seumur hidupnya. Jangan membela diri dengan alasan belum dapat menyesuaikan diri dengan keadaan lagi. Aku tahu. Walaupun sudah membiasakan diri, kau tidak akan suka dengan kehidupan macam itu. Tak siapa yang suka. Aku tak hendak. Petani tak mahu. Tapi itulah sebenarnya kehidupan mereka. Apa lagi pilihan mereka?

Sudahlah Rae, apalah yang dapat aku katakan lagi. Hidup ini bukanlah sebaik yang aku sangkakan. Hanya keegoan yang akan menahanku daripada jatuh rebah. Tapi aku tidak kecewa. Barangkali perjuangan kita baru saja bermula.

Apa lagi yang kau cari, Rae?