The battle to move on

In every war, there must be an enemy. And this time even though the allies are doing better, the end is no where in sight. The war I fight is a war of internal exposure, and I am lucky to have a good comrade. Her name is C (note: this is not an obituary).

Sometimes we talk about the most private things, but we have not yet touched upon the thing closest to my heart. I still cannot make head and tails of C. Is she superficial, or is the shyness holding her back; even with me?

It is utterly impossible to build my life around her in the foundation of chaos and uncertainty. I see my life being transformed into a wilderness. I feel the suffering and yet when I look up at the sky I somehow feel that everything will change for the better.

I have learnt from her, that we are all ordinary people. But even an ordinary secretary, or an ordinary housewife, or an adolescent can within their own small ways turn on a small light in a dark room. We are all against something at some point in life so I better make up my mind, she told me. Somehow she is perhaps the only one who can see me, who can see who I really am even when I am unsure myself.

Everybody seems to think we should be happy because we are young. But they don't see the war we have to fight each day.

However I know one day my war will end.

And I will not die.