How are you?

Since I’ve formatted my computer (yes, I did a backup file in D:/ but forgot to tell my computer man), I’ve lost all my previous documents. This is a pity as I’ve kept my e-books downloaded and stored there for future readings. But because I never attended computer classes, I guess I’ll just have to mourn my demise with J tomorrow.

So far semester break have been passing by at the speed of a banana boat. With extra cash to burn, I have yet to spend over-my-head budgets. Sometimes I feel like shopping for something bigger, something bolder, like a house, or maybe a car, contrary to the usual spendings on a pen, or a book. It would be nice to be able to pay by cheque, where I can show off my blustering signatures that swish across the page like cornstalks bowed before a violent storm. Yet again, this is subjected to wishful thinking only.

Speaking of shopping, while I was boringly sitting on a bench waiting for M to remember my existence in a mall yesterday, a good looking man came up to me to ask a pretty straight forward question out of courtesy, ‘How are you?’

As I was caught in the act of aimlessly observing the walking crowd, I pretended to look at my watch and told him I was fine. It didn’t take me long to wander off thinking how odd the situation was. I mean, it is of course the first time but I never really thought about the answer to such a simple question so deeply like I did yesterday (this has no relation whatsoever to his charms).

This question would usually just come by easily and I would let it go easily. But from a stranger; it jerked me. My inner realizations hit me that such a simple question, often treated with triviality, can actually mean so much more. Because it always sounded so casual and so frequently abused, most people discard it within seconds. As if one always had a ready answer for it.

However if you could just stand still and ponder for a moment, you would realize that these three simple words are capable of making you think. And when you stop thinking, it makes you dig deep inside your heart for an answer. It will make you take the time to rearrange the correct words so you could clearly explain what you feel. It will make you deduce your own findings of your current status quo and it will make you feel better once you know the answer.

Think about it.

How are you, really?

Shattered glass

D’s car wind mirror was struck by something at the speed of light yesterday. Everything happened so fast no one was given a second to think or act. Before we realize what was happening the wind mirror was shattered into a proportion of somewhat cellulose look-a-like. It didn’t break instantly though there were sounds of continuous cracking soft enough for the traffic to overcome, but loud enough to send shivers to my spine. It felt like being in a time bomb that could explode anytime.

Because it occurred at night, driving was difficult. With the shattered glass; to see what was in front of us was almost impossible with the inconsistent lightings from the lamp posts. It seems at that time the only consolation was we were not far from home, so D drove carefully back with the assistance of two diligent co-drivers, one of them being me. Before I start any unnecessary concern, everyone present at the scene is fine and still walking. Only the car glass is in a tragic mess. Although at this expense, it is still wounded with style. The cracks were parallel and somewhat beautifully organized, or horribly disproportioned, depending on how you look at it.

I can’t imagine what would consequently happen if the glass were to break and fly over to our senses and appendages in a blink of an eye. What would happen if a piece of shattered glass decides to fall apart to D, considering how vulnerable his position is? What would be left of me if it was I whom fate wants to play a trick on last night?

I don’t think there is any meaningful material that I have left behind in memory of me for my family. Apart from several photos and the collection of books that I keep, it is almost certain that I offer literally nothing more; nothing less. Well, except maybe all sorts of public nuisance and private miseries, muddles and misunderstandings.

All these thinking reduced to one finalized question - what I would want to be doing if there were only a few minutes of my life left to spare. Few minutes, in this case, seem generous considering how a twist of fate can change anything; or anyone in a split second.

Maybe when I find out the answer to that, I will be able to live a more meaningful life.

Though I don’t really know what I would want for my last minutes of life, I think I have an idea close enough. At least I think I have.

What about you? How would you want to spend the last minutes of your life?

It ends tonight

I sat for my last paper today. Economics. Most of the multiple choice questions almost made me fell off my chair and the essays were brute. Not that I didn’t study for it, I did. But how the heck does domestic interest rate affect exchange rates and currency level in a free economic country??!

Alright, enough fretting about bygones. Discussing about past events would only bring about belated concerns now.

Though it was crucial, I must add.

Nonetheless, I will enjoy my holidays as of tomorrow and read all the books that I’ve been craving for, pretend to be Vivaldi for the next couple of days, or Beethoven for that matter, strum the guitar like I actually know what I’m doing, wait for my supply of tree hill season 4, billboard top 100, simcity 4, etc. etc. etc. I guess I’ve had all my days scheduled until the next semester starts. Needless to say, lying on the floor looking at the fan spinning is also in my winter activities’ list.

Anyone who is free for a burgundy maybe, or champagne? Three cheers for a sweet revenge 

Just before I end this post, to G, it must have been a hell of a week for you. I suppose you will persevere and not dwell in impious stubbornness or unmanly grief. I know it is hurtful, but bear in mind that you are not in pain. It may be anguish, but you are not in pain. It would be most incorrect of you, should you remain a heart unfortified, a mind impatient, an understanding simple and unjustified. For what we know must be, will be. A fault against the dead is absurd. It is the most vulgar thing to sense, why should we in our most vulnerable position, take it so much to heart? You still have many people alongside you. The least favorable, but at least, I am still here for you.

Let it go a little by little, because death’s universal understanding would be comic if it weren’t so sad. I feel your grief, and know that it is not a choice for us to refuse to live under the conditions of our birth, nor to resent so impatiently the misfortunes that are most certainly inevitable. To recall in mind that what has happened is not something new, should already make the weeping less. Remember that when we abandon grief’s trouble to maintain renewal of our own presence, when we decide to move on when we are ready, it doesn’t mean we forget the life that was, because, the immortality of a soul will always remain.

Peace.

Happy Birthday

It has been a long day. I didn’t sleep well for the pass few days and had a migraine while sitting for my first paper yesterday. I seriously had no control over the degree of pain inflicted upon me but rather just persevered and thought what the heck, perfect timing!

Life fast forwarded for the last week was five days spent at the badminton court, three special dates, one funeral, a new bed, a surprising marriage and an almost new post. Before I start alarming anyone, the funeral was for a neighborhood dog and the surprising marriage is of our prime minister’s. And so you see, my life of straight seven days can be summed up in less than four sentences. Apparently life is actually quite brief when you come to think of it.

Besides, I am pretty sure the whole last year of my life was spent quite the same way; except maybe an extra kick or two to it. But the bottom line remains, that although I am ahem, officially 21 today, it really still feels like being 20. Or 19, for that matter.

Sometimes I wonder if I am left alone, with no one to actually care about my cyber musings; though I quite like the idea of being able to relax and chat and be an equal once in awhile. Not the way you would be with your husbands or wives, parents or siblings, but rather as a colleague or an acquaintance. A girl must always have someone to be on par with, someone who knows her just enough, but not too much to see the bulging fat beneath the comfortable costume. The kind of relationship where personal questions are not important and you only view them as a single unit, not as a package. The kind of relationship where there is mutual recognition and knowledge not quite enough to judge.

Personally, I am nonchalant to the issue of turning 21. I would have celebrated all my might, skipping my way to the nearest happening place, smiling and rolling on the floor laughing, dangling on the pink chandelier in the mall, steal a drink or two from the bar, bet a buck or two on roulette, then again, considering how my idea of a celebration usually involves diseconomies of scale and the risk of making myself public concern, I suppose it’s wiser to remain calm.

So here I am, keeping quite. Staying civilised.

Blow my candles. Cheers.