Because life can be unfair

The day I took one last glance at my rejected application to locals was the day I sat down and pondered about my future. If you think I am filthy rich to enroll in private college, think again.

Only because you see me walking out from a private college doesn’t mean I drive a Lamborghini when Ferrari breaks down. I am not some rich slacker whose ass never gets whipped by her father. I am not some dumb Barbie whose mind worries only about not getting the latest Gucci handbag or going out with cute Ken. I am not some bloody college student who takes up a course just for the sake of taking it; spending their money as if they grow on trees.

The fact is I am none of those sorts. Not even close.

So, sue me.

I recognize that look of loathe when your shoulder brushes mine. That distant stare you give thinking I am far from your insignificant life and assuming that I am thinking of being so above you and superior to you even.

Muse yourself with the little things that I have and you don’t, the once-in-a-lifetime chance that I have and you don’t, the lucrative job that I have and you don’t, the rich friends that I have and you don’t, the international degree that I will have and you won’t.

Go on and utter these issues in your own bombastic declamatory way. Until you stop comparing and judge me from a distance, you will never see what I don’t have. Parallel to that if you continue envying me, you will see that at the end of the road is a big cipher.

Go ahead. Be desirous. Be yearning. Be resentful.

Better yet, just run home to your mummy who never has to worry about paying your expensive course fees. Or go sight seeing with your beloved grandfather because he is still capable of walking. Study and keep on studying the same syllabus your lecturer repeats with the hope that you will get a government scholarship to go abroad. Wake your sleepy head up on weekends to work knowing that you have to do the same thing again tomorrow.

Despite the spirit of giving this Christmas season, I am not so in a lofty mood to give you the slightest inkling of what I think you already have and I still don’t. So I suggest you stand under the mistletoe and think about it yourself.

Maybe, just maybe, you will realize something sooner this way.

Confessions that make me

It is heart wrenching to think that the person you love does not love you back, and you begin to wonder how did you let it pass you by and when did the spark of fire fade away.

I never consider myself a sentimental person. Though I see myself weeping over a boy who died in the movies, I seldom wallow on having to lose someone, something. In retrospect, I may take a few days or weeks or years even, too heal from the pain but I guess I can take it all in when the timing is right.

Don’t get me wrong either; I am not a person without emotions. I am easily overwhelmed by the simplest things in life, sometimes just by looking at a baby smile makes my day. I have always thought babies have this magical power on me; I can spend hours staring at them. And it won’t matter, if I get nothing at all.

I have seen many people in life that I want to be like and then soon find myself the total opposite of who they are. While opposites can and do attract, I always feel that I am the luckier person to have known them, and I made the better decision in making them friends. I may not seem like a gregarious person who attend weekend parties or speak tactfully with quick wit, but I am appreciative that I have many friends that do. Because my idea of a great day is spending time on a good couch reading a good book, with a cup of steamy hot tea by my side, I normally don’t hang out in places with many people around.

But then again, I don’t consider myself a passive and an introvert. When given the right person at the right time, I could talk for hours and make noises like the Manhattan fish market. Nonetheless, I enjoy nothing more than to be surprised with a wonderful gesture.

To be honest, I wasn’t completely comfortable as a young lady with those of the opposite sex. In school, I was neither an athlete nor a member of the prefects’ board, the most popular group of people. I was however, quite fond of chess and self elected myself as the president of the club which somehow rather grew to become a club of more than ten members. Unfortunately, none of them were male. Except once, for the tutor we invited when we found out our members needed extra motivation and he was a source of inspiration.

Despite my lack of experience, I have enjoyed meeting with half a dozen of guys and because I have decided not to pursue a relationship until after I graduate, I didn’t get to know much about these guys well and they quickly slipped away from my mind.

I have no idea what it would be like if I had taken the initiative to get to know someone more than usual. I’ve watched couples starting off by holding an umbrella under the rain in movies. But I am not sure if it works in real life.

For some people, it is okay to fall out of love. At least they have a chance to say good bye. At least they have tried.

For some people, it is disastrous. They live life in ruins and they fall apart. Their story ends with a broken heart and arrow. They live sadly ever after.

Well, for me, of course I would bring an umbrella in anticipation of a rainy day. Please say hi and approach me if you see me crossing the road.

I won’t mind sharing my shade.

I promise.

merry christmas

It has been awhile now. I am doing just fine. Could have been better, could have been worse though.

Christmas is just around the corner. It is the time of the year to be nice to the people you can't stand again.

Thank you people; for having the patience to read my posts, i suppose i do think too much. Thank you sam, for making that statement clear. Thank you erlynda too, for saying out loud that my posts only leave you speechless. Otherwise, i would have always thought people just don't read them.

Perhaps i should learn to write more intriguingly in future.

I guess this will come by in silence too.

It has been awhile now. I am doing just fine. Could have been better, could have been worse though.

It has been awhile now. I am doing just fine.

...I am doing just fine.