I stood and looked above; there were clouds of shades and winds of change. I squinted my eyes like I was seeing something through the clouds but soon realize it was nothing impressive; just the shimmering sun through the shadow of a four leaf clover. Then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What a peaceful day.
Somehow after what I wrote in the earlier posts, I really don’t feel like writing anymore.
I have come to terms that I am just another angry person trying to find a way to channel all this energy to. The way that you feel connected somehow in the ways we think could just be nothing but a mere coincident. I am not an understanding person. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I never have the luxury of being blessed with all the great things in the world but I am nonetheless blessed with a wonderful family.
Come to think of it carefully, sometimes if we could just laugh at things, especially things that we don’t agree with, it somehow even things out. Laughing; somehow makes them easier to live with.
At some point in life I wasn’t laughing about things anymore. And all that was left was rage. And now that I’ve unleashed what I’ve kept for many years within, it does feel like smashing down the wall into the outside world. Telling out the story intimately connects with the longing to kill the self I was without really having to die. I wanted to kill the self in writing.
After that, once the self was gone I can’t stop wondering, what else is left of me now?
I know sometimes my writings are too self aware and too full of shit, too indecisive, too adamant, always contemplating thinking about thinking, and most of the time very frustrating. Maybe one day I will learn to stop writing this bunch of bullshitting lies.
However when I do stop lying, I’m afraid I would only disappoint you.
So much for having a purpose in life, it all boils down to nothing at all in the end. After rereading what I wrote, I discovered another lie which I wrote so wistfully about - just when I thought I found purpose in my writings, fact is in actuality, I really don’t.
I’m sorry.
16 Comments:
wei...u ar...aih. i dono wat to comment la. aha...
but it's a good way of expressing urself here. n with ur frens reading n sharing ur thoughts or emotions with u, i thk it's good lo. see, we're always still here for u. so, cheer up. =D
don't give up on yourself and don't give up on things which you've started for some time.. chin up, head high. we are friends. :)
confusion is good you know.a good start in understanding ourselves.
open arms wide. . .
eve: cheers.
ally: not giving up, more to giving in :P
shark: ur contradicting urself.
jobie: -<>-
must have been one of those low points in life, uh?
i don't deny that there's anger hidden beneath the fine lines of ur words, but that should not make you doubt the credibility of your tots. if u never wrote all the stuff that you did, how would you have been able to take a step back to reassess your posts and identify the anger within you. There's nothing wrong in rejecting the norms, the stereotypes people/community seem to have for us on what we shud be, what we shud wear, what we shud say, bla bla bla. It is when we start rejecting everything, just because we can and just because we want to, that we need to reassess our stand. I still think u're a great writer. One who can explore the emotions within you and put it forward like no other your age. So, don't forget your gifts just because of a single 'mistake'.
fga:
I'm starting to wonder if you are a counselor or a psychologist.somehow your words make sense to me and i feel really grateful that you are out there somewhere, whoever you are.do pls say hello whenever you see me.
yea, its one of those low points in life where you don't know where you stand anymore. it just baffles me how long things have happened and i'm still stuck here trying to undo things, sorting things and trying so hard i don't even know where i'm suppose to begin with.
I'm not really doubting the credibility of my thoughts, but rather trying to let go of the legitimate thoughts that i have. Somebody to make me move on from this dot to another dot. I still don't know how though even after writing about all these.
once again thanks for the compliment. it takes a good writer to recognize one :)
look at the rainbow. does it have black and white?
you don't have to or more like you can't undo the past. You figure it out, understand it and use that knowledge to shape the kind of future you want to have, the kind of person you want to be, and the kind of message you want others to know. Sth that you feel will make a difference. Well, at least, that's what i do. Hope that will help you a little to make your first baby step from where you are.
and i'm no counsellor or psychologist. i'm just gifted to understand..not everybody, but some rare ones like you. cuz i'm one too.
so, yeah. you take care and remember, we can't get it all right, but we shouldn't sto trying because of that.
take care!!
jamilah: no. the rainbow is not there anymore.
fga: yea, i can't undo the past. sometimes i take it all in and blame myself, get angry over things because of my own wrongdoings and think how things could be different if i hadnt done or said that, how things could have turned out all right if i didnt hang on that tight on the thin rope which eventually snapped.
then i start to wonder if it was all my fault to begin with or was it meant to be? was i so blinded by my thoughts and let things get to my head so unreasonably?
at least i've tried, i thought.
Then again maybe i havent tried hard enough.
No matter how long i think about it, debiting this and crediting that, it all comes to an imbalance of payment. something is not right but i cannot do anything. if only one could turn the hands of time.
take care too :)
i'm guessing that all this tots and emotions have been shaped by something that happened with probably someone dear to your heart.
and honestly, i'm not sure if he/she has forgiven you for the entire episode but you still can't seem to be able to forgive yourself.
and as much as you wish that life and relationships were as simple or rather, clear cut as mathematical equations, they're not.
it's not about debiting this and crediting that, to make sense of the entire situation, why it happened or to justify whatever happened.
clearly, u are still very much disturbed by that incident. I suggest, u let him/her noe how you truly feel about what happened. i think that the reason you probably can't move on is because you never really got over it. talking to him/her may help you. tell her about your regrets and how you wish you things were different, and how you wish u could turn back time, and would do it differently, but disappointingly, life doesn't work that way. and maybe, if you could find it in you, you may be able to start forgiving yourself, bit by bit.
i'm sorry about whatever that happened with that friend but...
you need to forgive yourself. u need to see that, yes, you screwed up, made some mistakes but don't let tht hold you. whoever it was, tot u a pretty good lesson about life and relationship, and thank god for that time you had with him/her. because if it wasn't for him/her, you wouldn't have matured into the kind of person u are today. everything that happens, every person that you meet in life, be it in a good event, or the not-so-good ones teach you sth about life and about yourself, and make you into who you are, and hopefully, into a better you.
i should seriously stop...i occupy more space than you do. i'm sorry. this is it from me, before i continue rambling again. :)
fga:
it is okay really. I enjoy reading your comments as much as i would like to really know who are you. You don't sound any age younger than me and it would be such a shame if you are :)
did we really know each other back then?
thanks for the reasonable comments...but no, there is no more talking been done about it anymore. there wasnt any talking been done at all when it ended. i didnt even realise when it did. so i pretend its not over yet. just waiting for time, guess i will still be here until then.
rainbow dah tak de?! tak pe, sekarang neh hujan selalu. ada la tu x lama lagi. bunyik cam putus cinta je awak ni..hmmm..cam cita shah jehan dan mumtaz mahal lak...
Something is wrong..I'm just not used to hearing u speaking this way :)
interpretasinya putus cintakah saya? jaawabnya tidak...tak apalah kalau tak suka baca blog ini pun.rasanya tak pernah pulak saya blog macam org putus cinta, putus harapan mungkinla ada sekali sekala. itupun bila nak try skill expressive tengok menjadi atau tidak.
anyway terima kasihla atas sokongan anda....tak suka macammanapun masih lagi baca apa yang saya tulis. minta maaflah kalau ada terlebih melayan perasaan sendiri di sini, bukan niat untuk membuat advertisement pun. tak pernah terlintas di fikiran pun pasal advertisement ini.
what she has written makes so much sense and sometimes i forget the basic things in life which makes it worthwhile. it may seem a waste of time for you to be writing and reading such things, to the verge of boredom as u said, but guess when one takes the effort to actually sit down to write something like this, he/she should already be applauded.
you may most probably be shaking your head right now but its okay guess, im aware that i can't please everyone, of all ppl esp you. whatever i say or do, will always seem inadequate or wrong, at some point.
take care. harap dapur sudah dilepaskan gantungnya. lama tak minum milo :)
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clap..clap..
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