Just thinking out loud

Throughout the years, I have grown up to like playing chess. The black and white movements usually look transparent and obvious though in reality most things move in grey shadows.

Sometimes I must admit I tend to succumb to all that pressure. It is not easy when the people around you have their intentions neatly covered. They claim you as their best buddy but in one way or another, you experience something totally the opposite. They outstrip you when you are still soundly asleep. Until you finally open one of your eyes, they immediately kick you and force you down like a tonne of bricks. They stab you from the back and you won’t even know it. Until you realize, the damage will already be done and you will have another wound to live with.

But I am glad, the scar had not pained me for 2 years now. All is good.

Such intensity and vigor, is what constantly keeps me away from pursuing anything. To commit myself and be vulnerable is something I'm not comfortable with. Perhaps I am still too young to believe that not everything will turn out right. Losing perspective at such an age isn’t all that forgivable is it.

Have you ever ask yourself if it is fear or courage that compels you?

Maybe writing here is the beginning of a journey to somewhere, but the end is still unwritten. If you must know, and seriously I don’t know what else is there to do in this website, I am currently in a foul dilemma. And this is the place to pour out all my mystifications and bewilderments, here, this simple act of confession – to everyone and no one at the same time.

Sometimes I just wish I could let it all go.

In spite of everything, the rest of me is still happy. Just settled, perhaps. Content with what I have now versus what I used to have before. Life is funny like that. Very soon I’m just a pretty face with nothing but myself to keep me company.

S, just so you know that I am grateful for the warmth of having someone else to talk to and stop me from going over the edge sometimes. Because I always see you as someone so much more mature and senior, you often knock some sense into my head whenever I need someone to. The confusions, I’m afraid will be with me so long as I live.

Yet here I sit. And there you are. And no one, not even us, think it should be otherwise. Because though we are worlds apart (Thanks to the invention of internet), I have found myself a friend and being able to know you is a blessing in disguise. Similarly to the game of chess, I must have advanced my knight triumphantly to check you, mate!

And really, it is not so bad. I must say, it is fantastically ordinary. And that is probably enough.

Peace out!