Skeleton in me, white or yellow?

Hardly a day goes by when we do not come across a single word of Chinese in the television, hear spoken Chinese in the radio or read Chinese literature in the media. Come to think of it, I have grown up in a very Chinese environment. But does it make me more Chinese than I already am? Or did Muslim school made me less Chinese than before?

Yesterday I attended my first class in learning Confucius teachings. Though it is not a Chinese course, the syllabus somewhat requires one to know Chinese at least to the very basic if it’s Pinyin. Of course with Pinyin I feel a better Chinese than I already am. In fact I can even read fast and pretend like I am a good at it!

When I was a kid I had all this energy and anger that was never spoken about. I had always blamed my father for not giving me the best education, by all means ‘best’ means allowing me to go to a Chinese school. Then I soon grew up to discard that unscrupulous thought as I learned that it doesn’t mean I can’t learn Chinese if I don’t go to a Chinese school. However, English itself was enough for me to get through my teenage years. If I needed a challenge to test my limits, a journey that would lead me into adulthood, I figured learning English was enough to get me there. It still is.

Until yesterday, I discovered that English is actually quite inadequate. How can I not absorb any Chinese literature all this while when I’ve always been surrounded by them? It’s not like I didn’t know English is inadequate before, but now I realize that Chinese is too important for me to not know. Being in that class, I felt alienated and totally out of my comfort zone. Everyone spoke brilliant Chinese and read fluently. Can anyone out there possibly feel what I felt in that room yesterday? How it feels to be the only person to have raised her hand when asked if anyone don’t read Chinese?

I grow up in a society that doesn’t really have rites of passage, where one confront fears and come out stronger, more resilient, and confident. And I don’t understand the need to make a journey; I usually take the car to get from A to B as quick as I can. But learning Chinese, I am not sure how far I can travel, until O? Or E? Or F perhaps? There is no short cut in learning I believe. There may be strategies but what if I even finish my PhD already by then? (It’s just a metaphor implying the long duration needed, not that I’m likely to be getting it anyway)

Just before the class ended, the lecturer told me not to feel discouraged. She told me she was like me before and hopes I get to attend more classes and give myself more time, for once I get use to reading it together with them I will get it right very soon.

I smiled and nodded.

Don’t walk away just yet, I have to ask, how Chinese are you?

Shut up if you are more Chinese than me :)