where the world is perfect but i am not

NOTICE!

2009-06-28T11:26:00.007+08:00

This blog is moving soon.

Interested peeps may keep the address for further reference. Thank you in advance.
http://86thdimension.wordpress.com

A tribute to Oprah

2009-06-26T08:37:00.003+08:00

I got the news about MJ's permanent departure five minutes after I woke up and thought I was still in a dream. Unfortunately I wasn't. The first thing that came to mind was, 'No more Last London Concert??!!~' I personally think it would have been a great show, since he publicly announced it is the last great one. But sigh.

I suppose the whole world is weeping for him, and it would only do justice for me to at least speak of the other people who happened to dismiss themselves on the same day with him. Perhaps they will feel better and remembered and not clouded out by the obituaries and flowers and news headlines of MJ all over the world. So, to all of you visiting heaven ahead of me (yesterday), hope you have a wonderful time with God.

Apart from that, as the title showed, this is nonetheless a tribute to Oprah. To me, if Micheal Jackson's burial has a hundred mourners, Oprah deserves a thousand. And since she is still very much alive and kicking (the last I check CNN it was still only MJ), let me just write this to hail Oprah as the saying goes, 'When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.' So here we go, Long Live Oprah!!

Somebody said, and I quote, "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

10 things I want

2009-06-25T10:25:00.003+08:00

List 10 things that you want for your birthday, doesn't matter whether the things that you want is possible or impossible to get. (This is a little bit late as birthday just went like 3 weeks ago.)

1. A new laptop which works super fast with cool graphics (whatever brand, preferably Mac)
2. A new PC which works super fast with cool graphics
3. Lamborghini (Black)
4. A house overlooking Swan River Perth
5. Lifetime membership badminton courts all over
6. A nice place to jog in Butterworth
7. Somebody cool smart nice handsome who blows me away with pianoing skills
8. Auto-ironed clothes
9. Vertical growth pills
10. Working in UNESCO or the any Reserve/World Bank

People that I tag: Felicita, Alyssa, Joanne, Suyin (Orders of name do not indicate preference)

Happy tagging (I did that in less than 10 minutes KAKAKA)

一个阶段

2009-06-24T08:32:00.003+08:00

我是真的回来了吗? 还以为是梦.

既然跑了, 干嘛还回来啊?

跑了很多次了, 每次都是回来.

干嘛还回来呢??

你说自己的命该自己做主.

但现在觉得自己真的是个大傻瓜, 还这么能够做个好主呢?

很想把一切都忘掉, 过去的自己真的太天真了, 还以为世界上有天长地久.

又想要跑了, 但是要跑去那?

The battle to move on

2009-06-22T08:08:00.006+08:00

In every war, there must be an enemy. And this time even though the allies are doing better, the end is no where in sight. The war I fight is a war of internal exposure, and I am lucky to have a good comrade. Her name is C (note: this is not an obituary).

Sometimes we talk about the most private things, but we have not yet touched upon the thing closest to my heart. I still cannot make head and tails of C. Is she superficial, or is the shyness holding her back; even with me?

It is utterly impossible to build my life around her in the foundation of chaos and uncertainty. I see my life being transformed into a wilderness. I feel the suffering and yet when I look up at the sky I somehow feel that everything will change for the better.

I have learnt from her, that we are all ordinary people. But even an ordinary secretary, or an ordinary housewife, or an adolescent can within their own small ways turn on a small light in a dark room. We are all against something at some point in life so I better make up my mind, she told me. Somehow she is perhaps the only one who can see me, who can see who I really am even when I am unsure myself.

Everybody seems to think we should be happy because we are young. But they don't see the war we have to fight each day.

However I know one day my war will end.

And I will not die.

Sequal of the return

2009-06-21T14:04:00.002+08:00

After two hours of electronic procrastination of trying to change my blog template, I gave up.

If some of you have not known, I am now back at the place where I was born. The last I checked my bank account has got less than RM500 and AUD500. Following that I realised I actually do not have enough to stay at the hotel while I am back for a month. So I have decided out of no financial options that I would move back to Little Maks.

The neighbourhood dog is not pleased but it is my family home and I AM entitled to live here. He told me yesterday, that at 23 entitlement no longer come to play. Then I pointed out to him that under the Malaysian Law, there is no statute of limitation when it comes to returning home to stay. He could not bear the sight of sharing the crowds' attention upon my return and walked away mumbling 'sniffblooo.' I decided not to tolerate his unwelcoming behavior.

So here I am again, in my old bedroom. Older, wiser and living the joy of sleeping on the old bed among my dusty collection of books. Once I had finished unpacking my possessions I was staggered at how little clothes I have. After that I went down to make myself a cold drink and as a drop of sweat was about to crucially drop, I saw the dog walking over to me with the newspaper as peace-offering.

I said 'No.'

He left head hanged, permanently exhausted.

KA-KA-KA.

Back for the moment

2009-06-15T09:23:00.003+08:00

Greetings.
I.......Penang.....awhile.
Going to stop blogging.............for the moment.
Brought a lot of books.............have to read all.
If not.......waste energy.
Anybody free to meet...........just call.........same number.
Happy to be back...........air smells different here.........polluted.
Not very hot yet...........thank god..........it's raining.
Home looks different............even more ching-chong.............last I remember.........I like.
Gotta mop floor now...........remember call.........dinner lunch breakfast........
12/7 phone on.
See you when I see you.
Meanwhile, take care.

An adage

2009-06-05T14:13:00.004+08:00

1. Last night, thought about things so hard that could literally feel the pain in the head.

2. Thought so much about what had happened until I felt asleep without realising.

3. Woke up first thing in the morning and started thinking again.

4. Went in to the gent's toilet mistakenly just now. (Of course if it's not mistakenly I would not have deliberately went in)

5. Decided that if the hill cannot be moved I will build a road around it.

6. Decided that if the road has a dead end I will change my path.

7. Decided that if the path leads to no where I will change my mind.

8. Gotta move on.

Tell me

2009-05-27T09:48:00.003+08:00

Isn't it pitiful, to have no best friends in this world, not even one?

Or am I just too naive to believe in the idea of having one?

Somebody said I will be disappointed with the world and the people around one day. It is not worth it.

P/S: "从未奢望过什么，无需华丽的信息，一样的想念，从离开的那天，从未停止过...你只需记得那份真，那份我只画给你的真."

Cranky updates

2009-05-21T08:22:00.002+08:00

Another twelve days to the start of finals, and another eleven days to the nasi lemak party at Winnie's place. Less than twenty five days until I go back home again. So cool. It's such a nice day today, because it's raining. This is probably the second time it has rained since I reached last three months ago. The first time was yesterday.

Now that I am accumulating fat and glycogen storage, I am looking forward to the trip back home to accumulate more. Other than that, I can imagine myself sitting in front of the tv watching channel 333 until dinner time, rush out for dinner and come back for 333 again. I so miss my Chinese and Hokkien series. Although I have copied some from my friends here who seem to have loads, but it's still not the same. Perhaps all the movies I copied are those with Kevin Cheng only.

So much for being happy about my last lecture yesterday, my marks so far is only at average compared to the other Ozs. Explains why I should be studying the shit out of me for the next twelve days. Okay, that is about all the crap this time. Yesterday I heard somebody said, 'It's okay to be sad, you are human anyway.' But.

Who the heck wants to be human?!

York

2009-05-14T09:16:00.005+08:00

Hi there. Early last month, we went for stargazing at York. It is fairly an empty town, just one road straight up and down. That is the whole of York. But because it is situated on top of a hill, it is a good place to lookout for shooting stars. The day we went, sunset was at 5.40pm and we managed to spot three shooting stars by 9pm! All in all, everyone was happy and satisfied with the trip. It was quality time spent together.

The popular hanging bridge

View from the bridge 1

View from the bridge 2

P/S: Ever heard of the phrase "Shoot for the moon and if you fail you will land at the star?" Now that I come to think of it, there is a scientific discrepancy to that. Because stars are actually further than the moon isn't it?

Vending machines

2009-05-07T10:55:00.004+08:00

How many times in a month, do we pass by a vending machine?

Is it not correct, that we see vending machines in almost every civilised area?

How often then, do you find yourself standing in front of a vending machine for a full five minutes and yet still cannot decide which button to press?

Hmm...now that I come to think of it, it is often difficult to make up our minds about simple things like choosing iced lemon tea over coca-cola; what more bigger things like a career or marriage.

But that is not exactly my point.

My point is, more often than not, while somebody is struggling to decide in front of the vending machine, is it not always the person waiting second in line that is even more frustrated? Imagine having to stand behind a person who takes his own sweet time evaluating his options!

Madness.

Moral of the story - when standing on a forked road, decide fast. Think about the people who cares about you and make up your mind. Life's too short for so much dwelling. Move on.

Strings of life

2009-04-30T10:01:00.004+08:00

Not long ago, a friend of mine had asked if he could borrow my violin. Since it is left unattended at home, I thought why not? So I passed him the violin and told him to return it when he does not need it anymore.

Upon returning home, there was a minor argument with my housemate about how I should not have lent my friend the violin. She said it is such an expensive instrument, what if he spoils it? Or what if he does not return it to you? Being a quiet person, I did not really said much for myself. But thought silently, it's strange how I never think of these things whenever somebody asks anything from me. I just give, if it's available for use. To me, it's better to be used than to be left alone. At least there is some productivity, instead of being idle (i.e. the violin).

But obviously different people have different mindsets. I do not know where or how my violin is now, but I never really thought much about it after lending it away, until this morning, my housemate asked why did my friend borrowed it for so long? Again, the matter is brought up. A matter which never bothered me the slightest.

It is just strange, sometimes, I think, for some people to hold on so much to what belongs to them and what does not. What is theirs and what is not. To draw the lines so broadly and holding themselves so tightly, when life indeed, is just a split second of having the chance to give, before it's too late.

It's true isn't it?

Life is not all about who you are.

Or who you want to be.

But who they allow you to be.

Flowers from the garden

2009-04-24T20:39:00.003+08:00

I don't know what flower you call this but
I hear it only blossom once or twice a year
These are promegranates (Just like city restaurant eh)
This is yellow flower
This is white, but due to lighting, its orange pink now

P/S: Happy Anzac Day! Another weekend gone...phew.

Easter-ing (Idea fr Desmond)

2009-04-16T15:35:00.006+08:00

Hi there. I have no particular reason writing this, but it is Easter break and I have extra time to spare. I particularly think it's somewhat an interesting idea to write down the changes within me during the last 10 years or so. It is 10 years because I can't make a 20 years list. So, here we go.

Basic Consumption
1999: Mostly chicken, fried
2009: Prefer fish, grilled (but fried oyster still old time favorite)

Wisdom Flow
1999: From comics and romantic fictions
2009: From philosophizers and autobiographies

Entertainment Guide
1999: Pinky & the Brain, 三毛
2009: Still like both, but with added Gilmore Girls, NCIS and Reality TV

Magazine Vibes
1999: Lime, Galaxie, Max
2009: Far Eastern Economic Review, China Today, Asian Weekly, Readers Digest

Health Determinants
1999: Swimming and Badminton
2009: Chess, Badminton, Jogging, Monavie and Fish Oils

Techno Junkie
1999: Intel Pentium II, Public phones, TV3 and Pac-Man
2009: Asus P4P800, Nokia 7210, Astro and Nintendo Wii

Musical Tastes and Talents
1999: Piano, Percussion, Backstreet Boys, N Sync, Hanson and Oasis
2009: Piano, Violin, Guitar, Jason Mraz, Jay Chou and David Lanz

Influential Idol
1999: Prince William and Leonardo Dicaprio
2009: Meryl Streep, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama and Master Chinkung

Fashion Sense
1999: Tops and bottoms below RM50
2009: Tops and bottoms below RM30

I guess that's about all I have for now. Do make your own whenever you have the time. Would love to know more about you! Meantime, have a nice weekend, hope you had a great Easter ;-)

Riddle

2009-04-10T08:44:00.000+08:00

What did the tomato blush?

P/S: Happy Eastarrr!

A little bit of wisdom

2009-04-07T10:27:00.003+08:00

Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub
It is the center hole that makes it useful
Shape clay into a vessel
It is the space within that makes it useful
Cut doors and windows for a room
It is the holes which make it useful
Therefore profit comes from what is there
Usefulness from what is not there.

Bloody economics ;-)

2009-04-02T04:28:00.003+08:00

Hello

Can't sleep tonight, probably because of drinking teh tarik earlier in the evening. Trust that you peeps are all fast asleep right now, its 4.29am for god's sake!

I had a good microecons class yesterday. The lecturer told us, economics is good for the health system. It is one of the easiest subjects in the world, because it is capable of explaining the whole world just by drawing graphs.

He said, and I quote his exact words, "Why do people like to study economics? This is because, people 'like' to be able to explain things objectively and make it sound believable. On top of that, because economics graduates are a dying breed, it is even easier to get job after graduation. Just consider the number of companies and governments in dire need of economists. Better still, now that the world is in a major chaos, even more people are looking to hire more economists, so that eventually more people can draw more graphs to explain the world to them, and help make their system feel better."

He also said, "Politicians, especially, love to hire economists, because it makes them feel smarter. With economics, they will have a proper economic presentation of graphs to explain whenever the public protests on their certain projects. So, eventually, while we are a dying breed, we are actually dominating the world. Just look at the newspaper everyday, heaps and heaps of economic news all over."

"So, now you know why you have chosen to study economics- because it makes your system feel better, and you feel you are smarter, because you are able to explain the world in a few graphs and draw some abstract pictures and manipulate some figures. And it is widely acknowledged, that economists are highly paid around the world due to this very fact."

Everybody laughed after he said that in class. I thought he's one heck of a cool lecturer! It is somehow quite true now that I think of what he said, although I still reserve a humane reason until now, why I study economics - so I can probably help make the world a better place one day. But that doesn't make his explanation unviable. LOL.

And after class, I thought, hmm....that's probably why he is an economics lecturer. So he can feel even smarter than anyone else in the world!!!~

Two sides to every story

2009-03-30T16:42:00.003+08:00

I suppose whoever who agrees with the notion above will also agree that, with the coin of life in our hands now, we often seem to find it impossible to see both sides of it at once.

It is only natural, that, we can never really know what the other side looks like, or indeed even if the coin has another side, until we turn it over.

Just like many times in life, you may try to avoid seeing the evidence of aloneness as it shows itself in countless ways, but you cannot avoid the truth of it.

P/S: It is autumn now. Why are the leaves still green?

One heck of a philosophy

2009-03-25T16:38:00.004+08:00

Some are born with knowledge. Some learn through study. Some learn with great difficulty. Some practice with natural ease. Some practice for the advantage. Some practise with strennous effort the universal way through wisdom, humanity and courage.

What then is wisdom, humanity and courage? Is it not, that unless there is sincerity, this statement is mere words?

Mencius said - "by wisdom, we mean that a person is not obsessed. By humanity we mean that he is unselfish. By courage, we mean that he has the desire to strengthen himself.

Unless a person is not obsessed and unselfish and in addition, desires to strengthen himself, he cannot be said to be practicing wisdom, humanity or courage. And through the practice of wisdom, humanity and courage, he achieves sincerity.

If he does not practice wisdom, humanity and courage to the extent that he achieves sincerity, he is not wise, humane or courageous."

When god said to treat others as your own self, it is because you achieve truthfulness by inferring the feelings of others from how you feel, you achieve reciprocity by sharing the grief and joy of others, you achieve humanity by being motivated through correctness and not through perverseness, you achieve righteousness by being respectful, you achieve propriety by avoiding mistakes, you then, achieve wisdom.

Truthfulness, reciprocity, humanity, righteousness, propriety, wisdom, humanity, courage - is there anything that is lacking?

Confused,
Cheers for all the sad people around the world ;-)

Am I any different from you?

2009-03-18T07:29:00.007+08:00

The pelican from Mandurah

The law of nature

2009-03-11T20:45:00.002+08:00

The world begins with one.

Whenever people travel pass a river or the sea, they will stop by and look at the water. Why is this so? It is because water is ever flowing and pliant. It never stops. Hence, one is more often compelled to halt and look at them.

This is the nature of truth.

When one has no thought about personal security, his life is long preserved. He is able to realise his complete self because he is always selfless.

Isn't this an obvious truth?

That those who knows their own worth, makes no self display. And those who have self respect, does not feel self important. Those who know do not speak, those who speak do not know.

True words may not be specious, and specious words may not be true. Good words may not be convincing and convincing words may not be good. Wise men may not be learned and the learned may not be wise.

Similarly, that the rivers and seas are the masters of all because they occupy the lowest position, which in fact, is the cause of their mastership. Therefore, he who wishes to be above the people must be content to be at the bottom. He who wishes to be ahead of the people must be content to be at the rear.

Above all, the great trouble of man lies in the love for self. If one is selfless, where can there be trouble? If one is selfless, where is the pain?

How true is this tag anyway?

2009-03-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

About to graduate and currently underpaid

2009-03-05T09:19:00.003+08:00

Hi again

We had a career fair in the uni on Tuesday and there were many booths, about 40 I think. The good news is, I got around 40 booths and collected many free pens and first aid kits and brochures. The bad news now, is that all of them only hire residents. Meaning, because I'm under visa, my chance of getting a job in RBA or any other departments is about 0.00001%. Here, they actually have a special intelligence unit in the government. I don't know what do they do, but it really sounds like a sexy place to work in. Sounds like 10x better than ISA. Ha ha ha.

So apart from being devastated for having no chance at getting an actual career, I am now seriously thinking about doing another year of Honors degree. Hopefully by then I will be eligible for a PR, which omfg still needs about another five grand to apply.

I know there must approximately be about one billion or more graduates around the world this year, anyone interested in sharing their future plans??

Just an update

2009-02-27T19:20:00.003+08:00

Actually, I don't have much to say. The week had passed by very quickly as I spend my time learning chinese myself. I have been reading unrelated materials to Economics, and I think I should be doing Asian studies and Philosophy instead. But what the heck, I can't change that now can I? Economics rule the world anyway ;-) (Yea right!)

I hope by the end of this semester, my chinese language level will reach at least 5th Grade. (Fingers crossed)

Have been sleeping quite alot these days. I wonder if it's because of the change in diet, yes, I don't get to eat as many types of food like in Penang, most of my meals are bread with butter and jam. And sometimes my lunch will be eight pieces of grilled chicken nuggets. No more no less.

Maybe again it's because of the change in weather. My feet is recovering, probably because it is much cooler and drier here. But then I still need to apply medication as it peels off easily and because the medication contains steriods, it thins my skin everytime I apply. Sigh, what a tough life.

Anyway, despite not having much to say, I think I've said quite alot. Guess I could spend some of my time with Economics now that I am actually blogging.

P/S: I can't wait for the next semester break. How's your weekend?

Human beings

2009-02-20T09:01:00.003+08:00

Never forgets the truth.

They just get better at lying.

Dr.Brian Weiss has proven scientifically that reincarnation exists, something that Buddhism has stated 5000 years ago.

Very interesting.

Somebody once said, "学佛是人生最高的享受." I'm starting to believe it's really true.

佛教根本都不是迷信. 终于明白这句话的意识了. 只是一个好教育, 不是个中教.

希望你也会有今天.

Hope you have a great weekend! Cheers ;-)

开心一点

2009-02-16T20:57:00.006+08:00

Knowing what you have got comma
Knowing what you need comma
Knowing what you can live without dash
THAT is inventory control.

P/S: Sometimes to realise when life is actually hopeless and empty could be a good start in searching for another path to walk on. An end marks a beginning, a beginning is an end. It takes real guts to realise hopelessness.

所有的放下不代表放弃.

退一步海阔天空.

都把自爱看成自我. 天呀, 智慧在哪?

Have you ever thought of it?

2009-02-09T14:19:00.003+08:00

When we travel along the streets, we hear noises of cars and people and hawker stalls talking, honking and trying to make demand for themselves. These noises are mind boggling, if you are sick or having a migrane, you will definitely scream your head off at all the noises.

On the other hand, when you are on top of a mountain looking down at those same streets, why then does the same picture looks and feels so different? We will look at the muted world from the top, and everything seem so peaceful and serene.

What theory is this?

Could it metaphorically mean something?

False alarm

2009-02-08T21:22:00.001+08:00

Realised laptop is not fixed. Date and time keep running out each time AGAIN! UGH!!!

For the first time

2009-02-03T10:55:00.004+08:00

in months!

Today is at least a happy day because I have fixed my laptop MYSELF and all misunderstanding with good friend is settled once and for all!!!!!!!!!~

AHHH..... so nice feeling indeed!!

Thanks for being happy for me (if you are) if not, doesn't matter.

Happy Chinese New Year.

Cheers and oh ya, thank you for everyone who came, although I realised some didn't turn up for lame reasons like I did not extent specific invitations to them, but what the heck, get on facebook for god's sake. Anyway for those who turned up, thanks again and please bring bak kua next time you visit my house k ;-)

A favor returned

2009-01-31T07:23:00.002+08:00

Somebody once wrote, nothing is more important than life and death. Constantly we should live our days as if there was a piece of paper with the word death written on our foreheads to remind us of the limited time we may have on this Earth, as humans.

Frankly, I find no other distinct reasons for the purpose of being alive, apart from preparing to die. Due to the belief of Cause and Effect, the mere fact that when a soul leaves the body, the consciousness of the mind, along with its karmic accumulation throughout its lifetime lives on, lingering to another world, another dimension. Life here, is simply a like a bus stand, while our mind, is similar to a person waiting for the bus. The important thing is, to know where does the bus stop. As long as you are clear with this, you can be at the bus stand before the bus arrives, knowing that our race to move from one bus stand to another, knows no time and space.

Nothing else matters. The world evolves around only in relationships. We often find meaning, only in relationships we forge with one another, our parents, teachers, relatives, friends, colleagues, brothers and sisters. It is only with these people, that we are able to encounter different phenomenons which helps us uncover ourselves, reveal who we really are and at the end of the day, proves how much we have developed as a human being. Not with technology or paper knowledge, although they may be useful tools to minimize the world and broaden our minds. But how often does one realizes, that without the believe and intention to help another mankind, the sacrifices and burning of midnight oils to excel in paper knowledge and work, cease to exist?

Undoubtedly between such lines lies the fact that our days are bound to be made colorless also by the relationships around us. However, what is more important is to find your true color when a situation occurs. There will be people who will hinder you, disrespect you, slender you, misunderstand you, but it is unnecessary for us to be affected by them. They are they, because they do not know the real you. As long as you know what you are doing, and believe that what you are doing is right and worth the consequence, do it.

Indeed, life seriously does not wait for us. Yet, who is willing to turn around and ponder the state of this suchlike?

Now that I have brought up these sincere respectful points, I wonder then, whether anyone has taken them as the sincere, earnest words they were meant to be?

Unpurpose

2009-01-23T07:07:00.005+08:00

Okay, so I have been sitting here since 5.55am trying to convince myself I have something better to do than to be asleep in bed. One thing for sure, I have not been abandoning my blog, if you think I have; I have just not found anything concrete to share with you all.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and dread starting the coming semester, but sometimes I wake up and wish I had a place and purpose to fill. Life is funny like that, one minute you are happy the next you are not. How unstable, how fickle, how predictable. I hope I will be as busy as possible when school starts again.

Have not been doing much lately, went to watch Australia and think its equally as boring as the country itself. No offense, it is a matter of getting use to the slower lifestyle I think. I must be sent there for a purpose, or so I would like to believe. Recently I find myself quite religious, been listening to dvds in chinese about buddhism and reading books related to Master Chinkung. He's like Nostradamus, if you need a benchmark to compare. Maybe better.

Most of my friends are back from the unis today, so is my brother. If you are one, welcome back.

Besides that, I am looking forward to learn meditation. That's right, I'm trying, at least. My record for now is probably 6.35minutes, point 45 the most. Anyway, will end with a photo I took from the strawberry farm in November. See you around.

Red I know I said a photo, but I am generous

Malaysian checklist

2009-01-15T15:43:00.001+08:00

1. A typical young Malaysian can name all the players from a top English Premier League club, but ask him to name one football player from Malaysia, he cannot!

2. When StreamyX come, you complain StreamyX too slow. When Maxis Broadband come, you complain Maxis Broadband always disconnects. When WiMax come, you complain Wimax too expensive. In the end, you say StreamyX still the best lah.

3. When highway toll price increase, you complain. When petrol price increase, you complain. When you go Starbucks buy RM10 coffee, NO COMPLAINTS.

4. When you cannot find parking in a shopping mall and have to walk very far, you complain. When you go inside the shopping mall and there's SALE, run from one end of 1Utama to the other, that one NO COMPLAINT.

5. You are always late. And the excuse you give when you're late is always either: (a) traffic jam (b) no transport or (c) cannot find parking.

6. You have a parent who forces you to take science stream in high school, study engineering in Uni, then when you graduate, they ask you to forget everything you learnt in Uni and do commerce.

7. You know someone who can specially develop an angmoh accent when speaking to an American / British / Australian.

8. You complain against the government in kopitiam, you talk loud loud. Leave anonymous comments on blogs, you also talk loud loud. Attend ceremah by DAP, you shout loud loud. Then when Opposition organise a protest and ask you to go, you dun wan. Scared later kena tangkap by ISA.

9. Every year on the 30th April, you are one of the people below queuing up last minute to submit your tax return at the IRB.

10. When you pay RM10 for something that costs RM1, you blame the Chinese.

11. When a government service is too slow, you blame the Malays.

12. When a building is not good and collapsed, you blame the Indians.

13. When a Chinese student won a scholarship, you say 'Wah! Very clever hor?' When a Malay student won a scholarship, you say 'Aiya! Of course lah! He Malay mah!'

14. When an angmoh stranger kisses you on the cheek to say hello, you very happy. When a Malaysian guy kisses you on the cheek to say hello, you slap him in face.

15. Let me add one, your favorite phrase and alltime useful phrase is 'ON THE WAY!'

P/S: Cheers and have a nice weekend ;-)

A favor

2009-01-08T16:52:00.002+08:00

If any of you are reading this post, may I just ask for your opinion on life thus far.

(Eg: What you have learned or how you have tortured others)

Thank you and utmost appreciation for taking the time and effort to participate.

2009 debut

2009-01-01T22:41:00.004+08:00

It's another new year to realise that...

The decisions you make now, can be changed, but with years and years of hard work to redo it.

And in those years you become something different, everybody does - you get married, get to be a mum or dad, which you are never going to be the same person you are right now.

The promise, and potential you have now, is very fickle. It just might not be there anymore.

You are an adult now. And the tough thing about adulthood, is that it starts before you even know it starts. When you already made dozens of decisions into it. But what you need to know, is no life guard is watching you anymore, you're on your own. You are your own man.

The decisions you make now, are yours and yours alone, until the end.

(So decide well).

Hope you had a good new year's eve. Happy new year.

First month home

2008-12-30T10:38:00.003+08:00

I have done most of the things that I have thought of doing. Have given away almost all things that I have bought as gifts to them. My wishes to see the people I have not seen for a few months have been accomplished.

Yet there is still something left unattended inside.

I realised some people are not particularly expecting my return. There have been a few occasions when what I had previously hoped for will not come true. Now as I visit the same places again, a different feeling arises.

I have thought wrong.

I have thought wrong about several matters.

The smile that I had returned for, where is it?

Sometimes you may take for granted that you are important to the people around you.

But what are your importance to them?

Nothing -

How stupid.

22 years of life and I am still stupid.

Tis' the season to be jolly

2008-12-24T22:46:00.003+08:00

It's that time of the year again, isn't it?

The time to shout your carols and give presents to people you hate, put up the triangle tree and write the leftover cards you bought last year, simply because it seems like a time to be nice and you don't have to think of a reason for giving, because people already expect you to bring something.

Gone are the turkeys just happily strolling behind the back lanes yesterday evening. So have the last minute chickens who just laid their eggs this morning. I hope they have prepared their will in time.

I suppose you have all done your shopping and perhaps have your fair share expecting to receive some gifts during this jollified occasion. As for me, I do not expect to receive anything grand. Historically, no one had actually counted me in when writing their christmas list. Anyway, this is a season of giving, not receiving, kan?

So, what have you given so far?

めりくりすます and thanks for the sms-s, for the few who took the effort and time.

Cheers and fah-la-la ;-)

I stood

2008-12-21T22:25:00.002+08:00

facing the sea for quite a long time. It was not quiet but it was peaceful. There were a few other people lingering around but I paid attention to none of them.

I finally was able to look at that person in the eye and smiled. I am happy although I am saddened at the same time.

I stood there until I lost all my thoughts, until there was nothing left to think about.

Then I went home.

When I see you again

2008-12-18T09:52:00.002+08:00

What am I suppose to say to you?

I need to

2008-12-16T17:12:00.003+08:00

shut the hell up with all my stupid words.

No matter how much you say or write, nothing will change.

Trip to South

2008-11-30T09:17:00.005+08:00

Dunsborough beach
Pathway to beach
I don't remember what they call this but it's not a llama
Lavender farm

Lavenders all over
Products of lavender
Cheese factory
Busselton Jetty
Longest jetty in the world
Ngilgi caves
Bad photography

Have you ever

2008-11-26T19:28:00.003+08:00

Fell from the bicycle and hit hard on the ground?

I have.

And I didn't feel like I want to stand up for a moment this time.

Defeated

2008-11-23T05:50:00.002+08:00

I haven't felt like crying for a long time.

I suppose it would do me good this time.

What do you do?

When a battle is already lost and you realise you are the only one still fighting?

Secret

2008-11-21T16:39:00.003+08:00

The most beautiful thing was not the rainy day.

It was the eaves that you and I once took shelter under from the rain.

Why

2008-11-14T07:48:00.002+08:00

Do I feel like I don't want to get out of bed?

For the first time ever, I feel the world is not a perfect place.

The excerpt - a misconception

2008-11-10T23:19:00.003+08:00

If you think what you think about what is happening is not important, think again.

In the long run, what we think does matter. In fact, every idea we profess, and every action we undertake influences the formation of our own character. In the evolution of the person that becomes you, a difference of opinion with your parents should not be perceived as heresy, but as an opportunity for your own individual growth and development.

All of us are ruled by ideas. They lay the scaffolding on which we base our actions. At the end of the day, a person's character is made or unmade by the intentions behind her behavior. If you should tolerate an evil deed by looking the other way, you have already compromised your integrity even though you may think you have remained innocent and uninvolved. Eventually, a deception that you have secretly condoned in the hidden recesses of your mind will be routinely manifested by you in public without a second thought.

Young people may believe that ethics are irrlevant. Many seem to believe that good and bad have little meaning because nothing is absolute. Morality is only a question of opinion.

It is true, that evil has become so prevalent and so atrocious that our senses are numbed. When we see unwanted baby girls wrapped in newspapers abandoned on the streets we are confused as to what to do. Most people simply put on a cloak of indifference and walk by with averted eyes, because ignoring wht's going on and taking no action feels more comfortable, seems the easiest way.

But there is a price attached to this neglect which will eventually be extracted. By allowing corruption we will gradually form a callous over our own conscience and come to resemble the transgressors whose crookedness we have overlooked.

I may not have found out the true purpose of life just yet, but I know that happiness is not the result of a sudden stroke of good luck as making a big win at the black jack table. Even if you did make such a win, the surge of elation would probably only last for a few days but you would soon get used to your new status. And everything would gradually settle down as before.

Nor is happiness dependent on fortune, fame or longevity. The rich and famous are not necessarily happier than you or me; whereas longevity without good health is a fate worse than death.

I suppose the concept of what makes life happy is worth thinking about at this age. Open your eyes and look around you. When you have reached a conclusion after proper reflection, act accordingly.

The face of hope

2008-11-05T13:37:00.004+08:00

Go Obama!
P/S: It certainly feels like a better place now,
get ready as the world reunites in style.

;-/

2008-10-31T19:47:00.001+08:00

He who does not weep, do not see.

p/s: the hard thing about saying goodbye, is having to say it again tomorrow.

TAG

2008-10-28T08:21:00.002+08:00

Before that, I must say that I may not have time to really blog long, but I may blog short, when I have the chance to. See ya in the next entry, chaos.

1. What’s your ambition?
A good economist and pianist (total extreme, but never mind, who says can only choose one?)

2. Who is more important to you? Friends or boy/girlfriend?
Again, I'm not going to choose.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
-1

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Not much, but just enough.

5. How many babies you want?
12

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
It's a fact, not a make believe

7. What is your goal for this year?
Already end of the year, but goal is probably to have more wisdom in handling day-to-day matters

8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yes

9. Do you enjoy traveling? *yes i know this quest is nothing got to do with Love*
Yes, seeing new things opens up our mind

10.What feeling do you love most?
When I am able to make others happy

11. What is your bad habit?
Procrastinate

12. Is there anything you wanna tell the ppl who hates you?
May your soul rest in peace

13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Yes, almost

14. What does flying means to you?
Meaningless

15. What do you crave for the most currently?
Penang food!

16. Who do you think is hotter, Chace Crawford or Kevin Peaker?
Pak Lah

17. Describe the person who tagged you in 7 words.

I think shes normal, adventurous, cool, energetic, sociable, adaptable and should eat more.

18.What have you done to yourself make yourself happy?
Meditation

9. What will u become in another 10 years to come?
Hopefully a good economist and pianist

20. What is ur lucky number?
When my bank account reaches 9 figures

A visit to Fremantle

2008-10-20T10:14:00.005+08:00

Show area nearby Fremantle market
Fremantle Technical School
Chinese artist, really good
Says for itself what it is
Heaps of Christmas trees nearby the beach area
White sandy beach, with construction at the far end

The other side of the beach, tonnes of yatchs, unusual from what we see in Penang
Clear water (imagine wind as well)

After that visited Maritim Museum

Then we went Cicerello's to eat the famous fish & chips, the kedai is just beside the sea, very windy and super nice view

I thought for $12.50 we would at least be served with a plate (duh!)

On way home, saw a wedding mass at this church

Cool?

Mirror on the wall

2008-10-13T15:43:00.003+08:00

Have really been occupied with things over here, what not with the ballet school examinations and orchestral performance practices, and of course my own studies to cope up with. Explains the late entry.

However I am very much looking forward to return home this coming December, with no particular reasons whatsoever, maybe I miss my bed, maybe I miss my friends, but home also means having access to delicious food, so maybe I miss the food. Penang is no doubt the best place where food is concerned.

Although my days are literally flying by, I am not expecting them to slow down. One thing to note, I am not particularly happy living here. Heck with the phrase which says happiness is a state of mind. I sat almost unmoved for an hour at the living room, after waking up today. Suddenly feel like I need a breather, after reading an early sms I received, so I sat there and started to think.

I do not know how my life is going to turn out at this far end, do not know where I am heading and do not know why I am feeling this way today. Pathetic, you may think.

I am moved, lately, saddened by many things that are beyond my control. Having to receive news about good friends admitted to hospitals, parents unable to cope with critical illness and another soul mate who is so busy with schedules that has no time to talk to me for two weeks now. Sometimes I wonder if a simple sms or message is too much to ask for.

Apart from all these external issues, I am just going through my own life with the least emotion as I can. Just the other day, I was probably too exhausted and vomited, my lunch at night time and realised how I have not really been eating very well for the past few days. However, these are not something for you to worry about anyway. There are more important things in life to worry about, and I am sure you already have enough things for your own worry.

Until the next entry, cheers and all the best.

Something similar

2008-10-04T20:09:00.003+08:00

Last evening, I went to the garden, and wondered why I had never once stood long enough to appreciate the beauty that has always been existent. Standing on the center spot of the grass, I could smell the freshness of nature, as flowers are starting to bloom after a blissful shower of rain. The sun sank in the blaze of red, and soon the sky was swept with purple and blue black tints. I could feel the cold night breeze against my face, and I shivered as I hear the leaves rustled. I looked up and saw shiny stars scattered so far away, like little diamonds in folds of velvet. It was cold, but still I lingered.

Looking back with the wisdom of age, I cannot help but be amazed at my own crass absurdity, considering the people I had chosen to be closed to in the past. There were moments, as I recall, surreal and dream like in quality, golden, unalterable and forever sixteen. The naivety was overwhelming, surpassing hours of prying eyes and overcastting the spell of panics and fears. Never had I once thought about how things should really be, my youth, daring and fervor, had led life towards a maze without exits, causing much anguish, to those around and myself.

In life, everyday and every experience is unique, but nobody is happy all the time. Most of us go through life as much money and property as we can, more often afraid to open the door and answer pleas from people close to us, usually walking away from those in need. Turning a deaf ear to those who try to speak, and a blind eye to those who try to make us see.

Have you ever thought to yourself, what is actually the measure of life?

When all is said and done, is it how long? Is it how much? Or is it who you meet along the way?

Can you recall; when the happiest moment of your life was?

University of Western Australia

2008-09-29T21:31:00.004+08:00

Just after main entrance

School of Arts

Economics Building

Hallway entrance

Matilda Bay just outside the Uni

My 2 cents worth

2008-09-22T14:19:00.004+08:00

1. I trust that everyone is busy in their own way. I am also busy, but more often I take my time in doing so many things. Sometimes I take an hour to finish my fish and chips and sometimes I take twenty minutes to walk to school when I can reach there in five minutes by cycling.

2. We are all rational beings, hence we concede that more is always good. That is why we always want more. More food, more wealth, more time, more children, more option. Even when we know our resources are limited, we still demand more and more of everything.

3. That is also the reason why democracy always prevails. Because it offers people more choices to choose from. To the extend that, one day we will be stopped from helping the poor, because according to pure democracy, if a person is poor, it is because he choose to be. If a beggar lives on the street, it is because he chose to beg.

4. But if you live in India, beggars believe that they beg because in the previous life, they must have done something so wrong, that in this life they are punished. They call this karmic effect.

5. A few days ago, the world bank put in about $600billionUSD to save the market economy. Just exactly how much is $600billionUSD?

6. Researches say, if we have $2billionUSD, we can cure malaria.

7. They also say, if we have $6billionUSD, we can solve poverty in the world.

8. That is a scale to approximately show how much $600billionUSD actually is.

9. The real question is, why are they saving the economy, instead of saving the world?

My workplace

2008-09-15T10:02:00.002+08:00

This is where I spend my weekends when I'm broke (Eg. : now)

What a life

2008-09-08T15:29:00.004+08:00

I went to bed about eleven thirty last night, frozen with thoughts. People in this area; usually go to bed early, so as to be up soon after sunrise to prepare to travel to their respective workplace at the city for their work. But as the hustle and bustle of daily living was suspended and voices died away, a deep silence fell, into which other sounds; noises that demanded different thoughts from me came.

There was the sound of strong blowing winds of the early spring; I hear them consciously in my bed, as I covered myself neatly under three folds of blankets. This room is furnished with light pink curtains and the walls and doors are plastered over with white paint, as is customary when houses are small. These are simple accommodations compared to the comfort I had left behind, but it is wonderful to have the freedom to do anything, without the constant worries of having to share my space and privacy with strangers.

With an effort I shut my eyes and ears and tried to send myself to sleep, but that only made me more awake. It was one of those periods of time when the issues of life stand out clearly from the usual muddle in which so much living takes place. This new chapter of life has given me a different experience from what I was accustomed to.

Desperation, made me brave, and now that I am reading again the earlier pages written, I thought the plots were too fast and harsh, lacking the usual lightness and easy reading one would expect, from a new beginning. For awhile I felt as if my heart was being squeezed, and the tears flowed unchecked. I cannot describe to you entirely what initiated it, but after that it lifted some part of me nearer to the source of peace. I felt slightly better and soon smiled at the silliness of it all. I ought to be bolder than this.

I must have slept, because when next I was aware, it was 7 am by my little clock, and I lay still for a few moments, preparing to hear noises from the radio and the splashing of water from the bathroom next door. Blankly, I remembered a phrase from Confucius who said, “How can a human understand about death, when he cannot even understand life.” Subsequently I got myself out of the bed to greet the sun with a steamy cup of tea. What a life.

Sincerely yours

2008-09-04T10:42:00.003+08:00

More often than never we hear people say, “Sorry but that is the way I am…I was like this in the beginning until now and ever shall be.”

And I think that is just a convenient motto and a self delusion that people always have around them. I don’t know about you but whenever anyone says that, they make me feel as if they do not want to grow up.

Then again they are also the same bunch of people who thinks it is socially fashionable to frequently ask ‘Who am I?’

But guess the fact is; I have come to believe, there is very little ‘real self’ inside anyone of us. Eventually, whether we like it or not, we are what we are committed to. Although I won’t be so arrogant to make this a universal claim because it may not apply to everyone.

However, when I tell you my thoughts; I am actually locating myself in a category. And when I tell you my feelings, I am telling you about me.

So when I expose my nakedness to you as a person, do not make me feel shame.

祝你一路顺风

2008-08-30T19:50:00.002+08:00

那一天知道你要走
我们一句话也没有说
当午夜的钟声敲痛离别的心门
却打不开我深深的沈默
那一天送你送到最后
我们一句话也没有留
当拥挤的月台挤痛送别的人们
却挤不掉我深深的离愁

我知道你有千言你有万语却不肯说出口
你知道我好担心我好难过却不敢说出口

当你背上行囊卸下那份荣耀
我只能让眼泪留在心底
面带着微微笑用力的挥挥手
祝你一路顺风

当你踏上月台从此一个人走
我只能深深的祝福你
深深的祝福你最亲爱的朋友
祝你一路顺风

那一天送你送到最后
我们一句话也没有留
当拥挤的月台挤痛送别的人们
却挤不掉我深深的离愁

我知道你有千言你有万语却不肯说出口
你知道我好担心我好难过却不敢说出口
当你背上行囊卸下那份荣耀
我只能让眼泪留在心底
面带着微微笑用力的挥挥手
祝你一路顺风

Another visit

2008-08-25T15:42:00.003+08:00

Presenting to you the entrance
The lake with fountains and ducks
Kings Park function center and restaurant
View of Perth City 1
View of Perth City 2
Cute trees
The view from the park overlooking Swan River
The bridge
The Swan Brewery
A tree which I think is quite nice
What about you?

My saga so far

2008-08-18T22:28:00.001+08:00

I would not, in the ordinary course of event, have thought that I would come to Perth this winter of 2008. When I disembarked for the first time ever, the weather was about three degrees and it was misty all over. How ironic, I thought. It portrayed well the feelings I had exactly when I took the first step on Australian soil and breathe the first breath of Australian air. I was not particularly thrilled, nor was I exceptionally sad. I was, above all else, tired.

Here, I do not live in a mansion, nor do I travel in a convoy of cars. When I was shown the place that I would reside for the rest of my academic year, there were no loud cheers or confetti to give me a joyful welcome. I traveled with the heavy luggage to my room and unpacked within twenty minutes. It was comforting, to know that all my possessions were safe in place, and I had been able to reach this place in one piece. It was an achievement.

First five days here were the most difficult days of my life. I had no internet connection, no one familiar to laugh with, no money and no soul. All I had was my faithful laptop to keep me sane, and I immediately thought I should have postponed and came a week later, when semester officially begins. I felt literally alone, although my days were not filled without companionship.

Thus the days came and went by slowly, as I borrowed a new friend’s wireless to go online once in awhile. I was not sure, what ignited the solemn feeling I have inside but kept reminding myself of the initial decision why I was here. Then I kept my head in place, pulled myself together and forced a smile. Or at least I tried.

Due to the lack of financial resources, I felt an urgent need to email every dancing school I can find online, to scout for a job, offering my services to play the piano for them, something which I was so accustomed to, back in Penang. Although I would have liked a different experience, to change an industry, it was not the right time to start something unfamiliar. Frankly, there were more rejected replies than favorable ones. Eventually on the fifth day, I got a reply from two people. For the first time ever in this place, I was able to smile a sigh of relieve and delight. There was after all, hope.

And today, after three weeks, I am able to sit here and have the peace of mind to write this. More often, when I travel alone in a train, I would observe, without much emotions, many things that until this moment, still seem very new to me.

Sometimes, wondering if I am dreaming this episode, I will look around the train station, of the many people who traveled together with me, but will only see them busy stretching their legs in anticipation of a long journey or simply just smoking, to keep warm.

It would have been sensible, if I had decided to complete my degree locally since it is less costly and nearer to home. But then a decision was made and I guess now, I have to find my own way, somehow. I would very much like to conclude this piece with a more positive tone, but I don’t think I am capable of that at this moment.

Sometimes I think, opportunities are about to open up for a different experience, and I should see this as a blessing. But when there is a blessing, there is always bound to be an attack. Even so, I think I should be prepared for the direction from which it will all come.

A visit to the city

2008-08-10T22:20:00.005+08:00

Train station board
The view inside the train

The view from inside the train

Some building in the city
The London clock
The CBA
The post office
Myers shopping complex
The way back home
The view from the city train station
Some daging from the daging shop
Big and cheap pretzel from some bakery
My lunch for the day, teriyaki chicken from Taka

Finally

2008-08-03T00:33:00.001+08:00

I’m back here after adjusting myself here at a foreign place. Have not really adapted myself very good yet so far, but it is coming in. I might not be posting anything much for the coming weeks I guess. Uni classes are starting next week, and am very grateful to let you know, that I have found a job here.

Will be playing the piano for the WA Conservatoire of Classical Ballet School and the WA Dancing Company. The latter offers much higher wage, but I get a heart attack very often because it is an open class for professional dancers and I need to play like about seventy thousand songs in an hour, which is with tango, waltz or any rhythm suitable for arabesques or plies or tendus in mind.

But I get to play on a grand, which is so cool. I tried for my first today at the Regal Theatre. Not bad for a start I guess, although I probably need more music than what I have now. Any nice sheets please do send over.

Have done my tax file number and medical insurance coverage and bank accounts all ready last week. Can you imagine, for every dollar I earn here, I get taxed for 30% of it?

Anyway, this is what I can update you five readers out there about myself after a week here. Will keep you posted.

Until then, cheers.

Somebody once wrote

2008-07-23T02:08:00.002+08:00

Blessed are the hearts that can mend
They shall never be broken.

But I wonder, if there is no breaking,
Then there is no healing.
And if there is no healing,
Then there is no learning.
If there is no learning,
Then there is no struggle.

But to struggle is a part of life.

So must all hearts be broken.

Rhythm of the falling rain

2008-07-17T23:32:00.004+08:00

For the last week, I have not been able to tell exactly what day it was. The days have seemed to lose their ability to mechanically change from one to another, and I see them come and go with nothing to differentiate them at all, not even the passing night.

I have been accustomed to routine, a life where each day differed little from the one before. I remember little of the routine that carried me throughout the day, but I do recall myself waking up and making fruit juice and watching TV and coming online and playing the piano and going out seeing people.

And then there were times when I carried the laundry downstairs for washing before collecting and ironing the clean ones from the balcony. For a while, I enjoyed being domesticated, however now, I am longing for the days when I can be occupied again with assignments and examinations, although this very soon means being away from home for a period of time.

As I sit here writing this; it is pouring heavily outside. I strain to hear if the neighbor’s baby is crying, but the strong rhythm of the falling rain drowned out all noise for the moment. Somehow I am grateful for it. The repetitive rush of the water is something that is capable of lulling me gently to sleep.

It is a comforting thing, the rain. At least to me it is.

Sometimes by staring blankly at it, I realize the hunger that roars inside of me, the satisfaction, the self assuredness - of individuality, of spirit, of aloneness. Somehow the rain gives me time to think and double think, slowing me down at many occasions. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because the world is moving so fast, that when we are slowed down, we often cannot remember who we actually are.

The thing with slowing down is, we might already be gone soon before long like many of the wildflowers on the plain earth.

Then again guess we will still have many things to write about until then.

Just to see if what we write will become the spark of something significant.

Just to see if what we write will make a difference in changing something for the better.

Just to see if what we write; matters.

Not in the mood

2008-07-12T00:53:00.006+08:00

Ever since I quit working, every other weekend is spent like a vacation for me. I suppose one thing good about that is I get more time to be at home than any of the employees I know.

However, when weekends aren’t a bed full of roses, I simply can’t think of anyone whom I could find to really make my bad hair day go away. I don’t really seem to have friends who wake up before noon; hence I don’t normally have my breakfast buddy. Then again, this is not a big matter; a friend once told me that men never really look good in the morning anyways. Equally the same, I don’t think I know how to dress for breakfast anymore. It has been that long.

So when I woke up at six today, I staggered my way down the stairs and retrieved the almost finished Chardonnay in the fridge with a glass. Then I walked up the same way back to my room half awake and thumped the bottle on the table. I poured a decent amount and took a sip. I decided it was time to be grateful and celebrate all that I have now.

Then I sat on the floor with one hand on my tilted head and the other holding the glass and raising it to the ceiling. And I toasted my clever self, and drank.

To those who stick by me. To those who love me when I’m ugly. To those who forget my birthday but remember to put out my bedroom light. To those who never call in the middle of work but never fail to make sure I get chauffeured wherever I go. To those who don’t mind spending twelve straight hours with me. To those who hardly say ‘I love you’ but cannot imagine life without me.

To those who remember me thousands of kilometers away and to those who toasted with me at that moment, my beloved books and loyal clock, my humble bed and mighty wardrobe.

I inhaled deeply before gulping the whole glass in.

It certainly tasted just as bitter as it smelled.

Cheers.

Life is now a blank sheet of paper

2008-07-09T23:55:00.003+08:00

So c'mon, write me something, someone.

Some famous last words perhaps ;-)

Another brick on the wall

2008-07-04T20:33:00.001+08:00

I squinted at the bright evening sun at the far end of the horizon before turning to walk along the beach. I hardly saw the buildings standing against the light but knew that the sun will set in less than an hour’s time. It was windy as I hear the sea turning in splits and splashes on the shore while the glare of the sun was just the right temperature for a stroll. I was light headed.

I narrowed my eyes to close down my field of vision. A few baby crabs crawling lightly around here and there, but I made no attempts to catch them. They often moved in a balletic path, almost spiraling at times and whirled back up. Funny creatures; but I left them alone.

I thought briefly about the meeting not long ago. It has barely been a week since the day we last met, but fewer meetings than any of us would have liked, is the way it should be, I guess. We had exchanged many of our thoughts, mainly about the shared past we have had about work, our daily lives, hopes and sometimes vaguely, the future.

I often feel liberated when speaking to her. Any kind of self revelation is so rare for me that the mere fact of spending several hours with one human being who focused mainly about what interests me, has given me an unfamiliar sense of release. What will happen in a month time, when the long winter will be spent around the blistering cold with no familiar life?

A matter of trust

2008-06-29T00:39:00.005+08:00

Just got back from a wedding dinner buffet and am still stupefied by the event. There were so many speeches made by the groom, the bride, the groom's father, the bride's father, the emcee, the mother in law here, the mother in law there.....haiseh. Anyway, this is the first time I attended a Singh's wedding. There were boisterous laughters and singing and dancing.....phew, just exactly like the ones we see in Hindustani films.

The bride spoke something about a happy marriage. She said, all things aside, a happy marriage begins when you marry the person you love. But with time, things will only work out when you love the person you marry. Hmm, I couldn't help but stopped eating half way through to repeat the phrase again and again in my head. I wonder if both have different meanings at all. They sound the same to me.

The phrase reminded me of another familiar phrase I came to read about, telling us that no matter what happens, we should not trust others. This phrase, also got me thinking, as it appears rather superficial to me. The more I think of it, the more I realise that in reality, this phrase hardly exists at all; because it is never really about not trusting others or holding back your trust about something or someone. More often the issue has always been more about how to not trust anything or anyone, but only yourself.

P/S: You should tell me, if you know how. Have a nice weekend.

The meeting

2008-06-22T16:43:00.006+08:00

I had been sitting on the chair for ten minutes, I guess. The corner place that I had chosen was rather secluded, although not explicitly welcoming, the transparent floor to ceiling wall somehow led me to regard this resting place with subdued contempt. I resolve not to check my watch just yet, and returned to reading the novel. I was at page fifty one of three hundred forty, and decided to read the page again, since I had read it without absorbing a single word.

She had arrived just when I was about to take a second look at the time. I had reached early, simply because I did not want her to wait. Guess once in awhile, I like doing a little good by reaching early and have the luxury of appearing like I had waited in frustration for quite awhile. Sometimes I get a free drink, but in this case, I had a whole free meal.

She looked different since the last I had seen her. More arresting perhaps, older but still young and easy on the eyes. I had no time to think about or define the differences of the image I captured in my head about her but as she sat in front of me, the whole picture contained an attitude and atmosphere that would make anyone stop and look, if they could.

We had a long conversation. Occasionally I was partly embarrassed that she was interested enough to analyse my existence in many ways when she fired gentle questions about my past, many of which I felt no immediate obligations to provide answers to, although I was partly pleased.

I remember getting home pretty refreshed after the meeting. Walked through the living room, stopped with an abrupt turn and moved to the piano instead. Sat down on the leather stool and let my hands moved over the keys with a delicate touch to coax the full tone and nuance of each note. I played perhaps twenty minutes, a series of melancholy pieces that left me somehow indulged and depressed.

After that I sat back and recalled images of the meeting earlier. I gave my thoughts a close, detailed stare that now contains no emotion. I evaluated and remained absorbed for several minutes, until at last I stepped back with a small sigh, a sound that encompassed both satisfaction and contentment.

I have a dream

2008-06-15T21:00:00.004+08:00

The word 'dream,' as defined means a vision of our hopes and desires which we purposefully retain in our minds to help direct our lives but which is not completely buried in reality. This definition gives dreams much more significance than one in which dreams are simply pictures we see in our sleep.

Walt Disney said, "A dream is a wish your heart makes." A conscious dream is a wish somewhere in between a fantasy and a goal. Such aspirations are not as imaginary and unattainable as fantasies, but they are loftier and more idealistic than practical goals. They are the wishes of our conscious mind and heart which make us reach higher and grow.

Now that you know, what is your dream?

Happy Birthday

2008-06-08T10:53:00.004+08:00

To me. And the other hundreds of thousands of people who share my special day. Which was, I’ll admit, yesterday.

But the drinking and makan is tonight, so who cares?

Blow my candles.

Cheers!

P/S: Such a spoiler, I lost my watch yesterday! Dang :-(

It is not the thought that counts

2008-06-03T17:08:00.003+08:00

Somebody once told me, "It is okay to just drop by to say Happy Birthday empty handed, because it is really the thought that matters most.”

The saying ‘It is the thought that matters,’ I think, must have came from the person who had forgotten to buy her gifts until the last minute of 9 o’clock Christmas Eve, or the first night of the wedding anniversary, or the eve of St. Patrick’s or just minutes before the twilight of a friend’s birthday.

So c’mon, if it is really the thought that counts, then why don’t we always tell people what we were thinking when we were scrambling to buy them their last minute panic gift – it was less than twenty dollars and I hardly would see them anyway.

Fact is, we don’t say these things because it is not the thought of the giver that counts. The thought that counts is the thought the getter is thinking after the wrapper has been torn away.

If we are really thoughtful, we would buy presents that they could in turn give away to other people when they see their names on the shopping list. They could unwrap a gift which is already a wrapped gift with their nephew’s name on the tag, ready to go. We just gave them less three hours to waste at the shopping mall, now THAT is thoughtful.

Frankly, it takes such a thought and creativity to decide what would make a good gift to someone.

You have to consider what the other person likes, what they have, what they care about, what they need. Basically, it is something you have to invest a lot of your time in, and since time is something none of us have anymore, we give them the ten years picture framed on our wall. It looks like a gift. It seems like a gift though they may not even use it after that.

C’mon tell me a date where you don’t put aside useless gifts?

Yet because we are all so good at acting, it is hard to tell when someone really likes or dislikes the gift we give them. So here is a quick checklist to consider when they receive your gift:-

1) They say, “I love it!!!” If they say I love it, you can be sure they hate it. Loving a photo frame, makes no sense. So clearly they are overcompensating for the feeling of guilt and shame about the deeper feeling of anger and resentment that they have about being given a photo frame for whatever occasion we give them. Or maybe they are just overwhelmed by the idea of getting such a personal utilitarian gift after ten years of friendship.

2) They say, “Thank you.” Thank you is such a loaded word, imperceptible and full of irony. However, special circumstances apply when they stop, sigh and stare deeply into your eyes before they say it. Then they are most probably an imposter.

3) They say, “Where did you get it??” Sometimes I think, why don’t you just say, “Does the store give refunds so I can return it and finally get something that I actually want?”

Of course, the best gifts of all gifts – are handmade gifts. Unreturnable, Unusable, unsightly, unfun. These are of course, some of the words you can use to describe handmade gifts, unless you are related to a talented furniture maker, clothing designer or Van Gogh.

My point is, when considering giving a gift to someone else, please consider, “Is this the gift that I would like to get?”

There you have it, I have stated down my point, enough said.

With all these in mind, get out there and let the people you care about most know exactly how much you are thinking about them by giving them fun, useful and exciting gifts. Then, after shopping for two hours and you realize you don’t know what their interests are, give up and go to the sections where products sold are exchangeable.

All or nothing

2008-05-27T08:20:00.009+08:00

Didn't I always say if you want to do something, better give it your all or you might as well not do it in the first place?

But in reality, I have never really given my all to anything. It has always been bits and pieces of my time and attention to something or someone; but when put together, it somehow feels whole and completes the puzzle.

What an irony it is, but tell me, can anyone of us, really have it all, or nothing at all?

Sick and tired and hungry

2008-05-23T19:25:00.003+08:00

Hi there.

I have come to realize that people are getting very silent these days after I wrote publicly that silence is golden. Somehow I feel they have come to an agreement with what I wrote earlier. You see, I had always thought people don't take heed in anything I say, but now, the words are coming back to me. They have given me what I proudly asked for. Thank you.

Am feeling very tired these days. Presentations didn't go as good as expected, though I had spent almost three hundred thousand and forty nine minutes of sleepless hours to prepare for it.

Where is life?

How come as I stand here looking through the window, I don't see the reflection of myself?

Am I half asleep already?

Okay, just because I portray my conditions imperfectly doesn't mean my thoughts are imperfect. Just because my english language is imperfect doesn't mean I have an imperfect mind. Right, I should get some sleep.

Jobless weekends with perspectives

2008-05-18T21:09:00.001+08:00

Weekends without having to work is somehow quite good, at least now I get to compensate for the beauty sleep I cannot have during the weekdays. This weekend has been rather unproductive in a way, met up with some few people and didn’t manage to finish some of my work for the presentations this week. And now I guess I have to compensate for my uncompensated compensation.

Didn’t I always say when I draw a line, don’t cross it? Heck, now I’ve crossed my own line. Right, I should take a step back. Or rather run back before it is too late. How strange, must we always be behind the line we draw?

Anyway, this is just another post of nothing significant. Just thought somebody would like to hear something from me. Or not.

My finals are coming really soon and before you know it, July will just drop by uninvited as you see yourself shouting behind the closed door for June to wait for you. Been praying for more time lately but guess that is quite impossible because the last I check; universal time is still 24 hours a day, until further notice.

However today, I realize a different purpose to my being; I see a light at the end of the tunnel, a mission, a legacy. I am more than this person rushing for assignments and trying to graduate with flying colors. I’ve always believed true education only begins after one graduates. Such a hypocrite I am, while underrating the education I get I still regard highly of the recognition I get from it.

Guess it is true; in life; we are not merely one thing. We are above all; at least, a dozen things. We usually live in grey matters; neither black, nor white. What keeps us standing is merely our belief system, which distinguishes for ourselves what is true to our heart. And then when we believe in something so real, it somehow brings to life a purpose to live on.

But in the end, who cares?

Who cares if we are merely one thing, or a dozen things?

Fact remains, that everyone is here for a reason. I shouldn’t be alive, if it is not for a reason – that I know in my heart is right.

P/S: Eve, I found this for you:

A wise old owl lived in an oak

The more he saw the less he spoke

The less he spoke the more he heard

Why can’t we all be like that bird?

Latest great news (finally)

2008-05-15T19:39:00.011+08:00

Tony Fernandez will be launching flights from KL to Perth in November 2008!

P/S: This is unbelievable, prayers do come true. Be careful what you wish for :-)

P/P/S: Anyone has any other great news to share?

***grins***

A laughing matter

2008-05-12T11:52:00.000+08:00

Yesterday when I was at the mall, the cold storage section, my friend called and we chatted while I shopped for bitter gouts and fresh lemons. After speaking about how good the weather is over at her side she said, “You sound distracted my friend, are you busy?”

At that particular moment, I was indeed busy rummaging through my bag, digging and digging trying to search for something so I said, “Yea, I can’t seem to find my hand phone. I think I lost it.”

“Sigh, things happen,” she said. “You want me to call you back later?”

My last story

2008-05-07T11:49:00.001+08:00

It is retirement’s day today. Finally the day that I’ve been waiting for has arrived, yet why do I don’t feel the excitement that I thought I would?

If you ask me to tell you something about my professional experience as a piano player in a dancing school, it is difficult to say really because above all else, it is just a job, not a career.

Nonetheless, piano playing is a reputable and harmless occupation. No family has been broken by the swift movements of the fingers on the piano. For fifteen bucks an hour one can play a full piece of moonlight sonata and Hungarian dance – if only one has the mind to do that.

But to tell you my story – it is a simple one. You have only got to imagine a girl in a four walled mirrored room with a piano at a corner. She had only to move her fingers on those black and white keys from nine o’clock to six.

But wait a moment. Playing music has to be something. Mine, I seem to remember, means something more than whatever I mentioned above. Certainly it’s very selfish of me for taking all the credit for myself, because the root of all this remains, that for all the monies I’ve earned in the last four years, they barely cover half of the capital invested on me fifteen years before.

What could be easier than to play music to pay for examination fees and lunch with the profits? At least I WAS able, though not without great labor and effort, to pay for them.

Sigh, maybe this freedom is just the beginning of something; though it very much feels like the end. Perhaps I should discuss more about my future plans but not now I guess, maybe next time.

I was pretty much aware of the stress level I faced for the last three and a half days ago. It was a scrutiny, double the time period I spent on the piano last weekend. That’s right, about a total of thirty two hours. No applause please.

The examination came and went as planned. The students were somehow quite nervous, or so they seem to be, as with every examination there will always be a few who are extremely scared to the verge of hysteria.

It is quite funny now when I think back, because an exam is just an assessment of how well you understand the syllabus. Nothing more nothing less. Nobody should in any way be judged by their results. But sad to say, people normally fix a certain standard on you by comparing to others so you know relatively well where you actually stand.

The situation I’m in now feels very much the same as when I graduated for my music diploma five years ago. Before I got it, I thought how happy I would be if I eventually get a scroll, but when I did actually get hold of it, the supposed excitement was not there at all.

Strange but true. Have you ever felt this way before?

Anyway, I left the piano with a little sigh just now. Goodbye my beloved, we may have been married for four years but most probably I will never see you again in my whole life, maybe I will not even step in to another dance studio again in my whole life, maybe I will not hear the sounds of laughter in this room again in my whole life, maybe I will not have the blessing of meeting such good humored people again until I die.

I remember taking a deep breath before walking out of the place for the last time, my job is done here. Somehow four years seem like a long time, but why is it that as I walked away, vivid memories rushed into my mind, as I see myself, just yesterday, walking up the same stairs for the first time, asking for a job as a piano player?

Life is full of surprises

2008-05-06T08:59:00.002+08:00

Along the way you will meet someone who is worthy of taking the risk to be with.

Take that risk.

Cheers :-)

Silence is golden

2008-05-02T09:20:00.001+08:00

People are usually scared of silence.

If you could ever find silence, people will always have to make some noise someway somehow. The world is so full of noise, it’s nearly impossible to find silence.

I, on the other hand, happen to believe that silence is golden.

Silence is where all our answers are. It’s where our truth is, our passion, our past, our future, our everything. All of our answers are in silence, if only you can find it.

Writing this comes with silence. It gets across the message like how I would have talked to you in person. But guess it’s better this way, because when you read this it would mean you are ready to hear what I have to say, because if you’re busy you wouldn’t have came in the first place.

Most of time I don’t really write what I know, but I write in order to find out what I know.

Makes me wonder though, is it possible to convey to a reader, you, the enormous degree of blankness, confusion and uncertainty in this very act of writing in silence?

Life is short

2008-05-01T13:29:00.002+08:00

If you don't believe me, ask a butterfly.

Hence I digress

2008-04-29T20:47:00.006+08:00

Think about this, 10 years down the road what will you do if both inflation rate and interest rate is equally high?

Will you keep your money or spend them?

Of course, 10% raise on FD rate does not mean you save 10% more. Subsequently, investing money in a low risk account, say an FD will only make you poorer when inflation sky rockets.

So think about it a second, what will you do?

The longest weekend

2008-04-28T13:52:00.005+08:00

5 years ago I wouldn't have imagined myself playing the piano to pay for lunch, but during the last weekend, I'm proud to announce that I survived through playing a total of 18.5 hours of piano.

P/S: I will be retiring very soon, next Tuesday to be exact. It is just a nice feeling to begin with, the whole idea of not having to work anymore makes me grin, but thinking of the lost wages and the potential financial crisis makes me want to work again :-)

So, how was your weekend?

The trouble with life is

2008-04-24T09:10:00.002+08:00

It is too short but for now, I have safely survived through the first quarter, completing the second quarter very soon. That is if I do.

So far, I have found out that life can be quite burdensome when there is too much sense of responsibilities and no ability to fulfill them.

A good practical example would be; imagine yourself waking up in the morning, dressed up in your best outfit, brimming with a smile feeling happy because you are on your way to fulfill your responsibility as a student, or a teacher, or a pilot, or a cook, or even a bus driver, only to find the bus service down.

So you see this somehow affects your ability to fulfill your respective responsibilities no matter how eager you are trying to be a responsible person.

Tip: Don’t blame it on yourself. It’s always the transport minister’s fault.

Subsequently I have also found out that the most important thing is to put aside other people’s hopes and ignore their expectations.

Another practical example for this would be, imagine you are on a road trip to New Zealand and your children have each requested for their own individual imported gift. Of course they would be looking forward for the day you eventually return home with their presents.

Each one with their own level of high hopes and towering expectations only to be deeply disappointed when you brought back nothing but a bar of Almond Cadburys you got from the nearby local petrol station.

So you see this somehow shows that a man cannot sail through life having everything his way. The only thing they could do is to keep up their spirits when things do not go as they would like.

Tip: Tell them pleasant surprises come when least expected. If they start to cry or yell at you, email them in capital, ‘YES DARLING, I’M SORRY LIFE IS UNFAIR.’

There is a saying, ‘If every hill is the highest peak, there will be no more peaks.’ I think it means that a person cannot be on a pinnacle all his life. He has to be over the valley sometimes. Or under it.

It is no point trying too hard to remain at the pinnacle, because by then you will forget why you were there at the first place.

Similarly you don’t stop to start thinking if it was worthy to be there, because by then it would have lost its worthiness already.

Somewhere over the rainbow

2008-04-16T20:18:00.003+08:00

I stood and looked above; there were clouds of shades and winds of change. I squinted my eyes like I was seeing something through the clouds but soon realize it was nothing impressive; just the shimmering sun through the shadow of a four leaf clover. Then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What a peaceful day.

Somehow after what I wrote in the earlier posts, I really don’t feel like writing anymore.

I have come to terms that I am just another angry person trying to find a way to channel all this energy to. The way that you feel connected somehow in the ways we think could just be nothing but a mere coincident. I am not an understanding person. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I never have the luxury of being blessed with all the great things in the world but I am nonetheless blessed with a wonderful family.

Come to think of it carefully, sometimes if we could just laugh at things, especially things that we don’t agree with, it somehow even things out. Laughing; somehow makes them easier to live with.

At some point in life I wasn’t laughing about things anymore. And all that was left was rage. And now that I’ve unleashed what I’ve kept for many years within, it does feel like smashing down the wall into the outside world. Telling out the story intimately connects with the longing to kill the self I was without really having to die. I wanted to kill the self in writing.

After that, once the self was gone I can’t stop wondering, what else is left of me now?

I know sometimes my writings are too self aware and too full of shit, too indecisive, too adamant, always contemplating thinking about thinking, and most of the time very frustrating. Maybe one day I will learn to stop writing this bunch of bullshitting lies.

However when I do stop lying, I’m afraid I would only disappoint you.

So much for having a purpose in life, it all boils down to nothing at all in the end. After rereading what I wrote, I discovered another lie which I wrote so wistfully about - just when I thought I found purpose in my writings, fact is in actuality, I really don’t.

I’m sorry.

The show must go on

2008-04-10T21:52:00.004+08:00

Over the years, I have received quite a number of comments made directly or indirectly to me about my blog. Of course people often discount their compliments but some were quite supportive of what I have written thus far so they give restricted commentaries like, “Yea, your blog is too wordy but I still finish reading it every time,” and “It’s true you write too much, but sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough of it.”

These feedbacks are often inspiring to me, because at least I know there are some legitimate five readers who are interested in what I have to say. Five may seem like a small number but I am happy because it is simply more than four, three or two for that matter.

The reason I started writing was fundamentally because I was somehow frustrated with what happened back then. Many things occurred as I grew up in a stereotyping and labeling community where prejudice is most common. I experienced a moment in life where others imposed their own perspective and will on me because of the relative differences we shared. Regardless of any reason or justification, I soon realize that there is no end to what evokes my anger, as a normal human being living in a land where absolute equality does not exist.

So I tried to make a joke of it. I thought laughing with them was maybe a way to suppress whatever differences I had in mind. Undeniably, humor is often a great substitute for anger.

In the midst of it all, I found comfort in voicing my thoughts here. Don’t we always tend to think that a quiet person is a wise person? I’m coming to think, though, that the silent one is so because he has nothing to say. Silence is hence golden only in exhaust pipes. Writing does give me hope in the face of difficulty. It also gives me hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope, once again, gives me life.

On the other hand, I am well aware, that words are a mere invention to describe what we perceive. And what we perceive is only one perspective that may well be inaccurate. Language can further distort that perspective hence what is more truthful is therefore, the truth that can only be felt within the heart.

Usually, words cannot explain the real experience of something. I do hope my writings will be able to win back lost friends and discover the advice to show a decent respect for the differences of mankind. More often than not the world could just be a better place when people are able to just agree to disagree.

Last week somebody gave me a familiar piece of advice asking me to count my blessings and that I’m too young to have such gloomy perception about life. Obviously a comment which I took to heart because I take considerable care for anything she says. Good communication is always as stimulating as black coffee, and it’s just as hard to sleep afterwards.

This comment is the same reason why I wrote this post, if you were thinking where I was heading. Somehow I do not feel a need to be in denial or try to sound intelligent because I might as well just sound emotionally gloomy again. But guess there is a need for me to say this and I will say this only once; everyone is here for a reason and until you find out what that reason is, you cannot really claim to be truly grateful for all that you have.

Personally, just because I don’t speak my thankfulness aloud doesn’t mean I am not thankful for having such wonderful family and friends. The things I have, I never complain about in my writings. Normally external issues are what influence my thinking and perspectives. The people in the world, their deeds and misdeeds are often what I’m concern about. Not because I care for them, but because their actions adversely affect the lives of other people.

While I may write negatively about life, it only shows that I am fairly aware that life is not a bed of roses; nothing more, nothing less. And if I happen to realize that at this age, then I may as well tell you what I think about life so far. Besides what basis is the benchmark set to which age is too young or too old for expressing one’s thoughts and experiences.

Maybe I am putting that comment too much in scrutiny and overlooking the sincere effort in it. But these are the justifications if anyone of you feels the same way. I have to say for myself that I am not an emotional person, I just happen to be able to express emotions.

Now you can go on with your judgments since you have heard my side of the story. Go ahead, hands down, feel free.

I've been tagged!

2008-04-06T22:11:00.003+08:00

Instructions: Remove ONE question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
- Yes, I believe appearance do catches the eye, but personality captures the heart.

2. Do you hold hands in public?
- I am never comfortable showing affection in public.

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
- Nirvana.

4. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
- Changing the world would just be too vague so I would want to save a life but if that’s wishful thinking, making people happy will do.

5. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
- Most of the time I don’t wait by the window for the rain to stop so no.

6. Do you like being who you are today?
- I’m still running ahead trying to be someone, can’t say I want to stay who I am today.

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
- Charity if it’s in pound, but rather just invest if it’s in rupiah.

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
- I will, after he confesses.

9. Who are the top five people in the world you would wish to meet?
- Ellen DeGeneres, Dr Zeti A. Aziz, Oprah, Barack Obama and Justin Timberlake

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
- Requirements? A resume to start with, if he earns my respect I guess that’s all he needs.

11. Which type of cars I love the most?
- Remote control cars.

12. Which do you prefer from your other half? hug? or a kiss?
- A hug when I’m eating, a kiss when I’m meditating.

13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
- I would rather they negotiate to reach an agreement if they have a problem with me. They call it constructive communication.

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
- Important THING? Clothes I guess. It’s a sign of modesty, the basic of all basics.

15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
- I will be if I have excessive cash, besides giving presents make me happy.

16. What kind of electronic device/gadget you own that you like most?
- My digital camera, though I seldom use it and my laptop, I’m dysfunctional without.

17. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
- Before I go on, character doesn’t change by chance. But if you insist, maybe I should ease the temperament and arrogance sometimes.

18. What makes you feel disappointed?
- When people die unnecessary deaths.

19. If given a chance, do you want to see your future?
- Yes, so I can change it if I don’t like it.

20. What would you do when your secret is being found out?
- Create another secret.

I hereby tag...
(i) daphne iking
(ii) evelyn tang
(iii) joanne lim
(iv) goh suwei
(v) samantha wong
(vi) shalene ooi
(vii) pang suyin
(viii) syafawati rawaida

The ultimate test

2008-04-04T01:35:00.001+08:00

1st Q

There is 5 bananas in front of an elephant. Why doesn't the elephant eat it?

Because the bananas are made of plastic.

Next.Q

The 5 bananas are real, but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?

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Because the elephant is made of plastic.

Don't give up.one more..

Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.

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Why ?

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Because the bananas are in the TV.

Ooops!!! Cool down.

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?

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Because they are on different channels.

Hohohohoohohoh..hehehe

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the

same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?

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Cmon think ..

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Because the TV is off.

P/S: Hope this made your day better. If you have to hold it, c'mon give me a smile :-)

You're reading me

2008-03-31T22:07:00.006+08:00

It has been quite long since I first started this blog. Well not very long if my lifespan is until 60. Nonetheless I am happy the way it has turned out to be. You know how I always have a history of doing something with temporary enthusiasm. Apparently this blog is still kicking since I had first written. So not bad I would think.

Looking back at some point, there were times when I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning and hurry to the library where the words would just come by and I would tell my story. This blog somehow gave structure and a purpose to my day. This place….I’ve figured, is actually me.

In this world that I don’t always understand, I do know that it is inevitable for us to being rejected at some point in life. All we have to do is to accept rejection with grace. And when the timing is right, reject acceptance appropriately.

For so long I’d been unable to reach out to find someone whom I can speak my thoughts to. Not that they are not there, but guess I’m just too aware and afraid of the rejection or pity or scorn, whenever I tell them how I actually feel about things.

But here I am, being anonymous, safe. The connection and relationship I have with this place, is priceless. It somehow brings me back to life again.

It is always nice to know there will be people out there who might be reading this.

Seriously, if I knew I was going to die, I would want a living funeral for this blog. A morbid thought indeed, but a thought nonetheless.

P/S: Something is not right. I seem to be thinking about the marriage wedding more than I thought I would.

P/S/S: Been watching a lot of Ellen lately and found out Oprah actually helped her out during her worst times. But she is a true example of how a person is being slapped down so hard to the ground and pulled herself up again and moved on. Guess that’s what life is all about. In the end its not how fast or how slow you run, it's how far you can actually stand running.

When a picture is worth more

2008-03-27T15:10:00.002+08:00

You know how we always try to look our best in photographs and almost always get disappointed whenever we don’t? It’s frustrating and disgusting when we see ourselves and wonder, ‘Is that me?’ or ‘Where am I, I thought I took the pictures with them?’

Sometimes we see people fiercely staring at the camera like they are really angry; sometimes we see them with their skull partly tilted to one side like their right brain is heavier than the left; sometimes we see them with that reeeally irritating smile and a peace sign which says ‘I’m powerless;’ sometimes we see them with their head so high up their nose are scraping the ceiling and sometimes, only sometimes, we see a decent unpretentious smile somewhere in the picture.

Fact is, I don’t like having my pictures taken. Worse still, published without my knowledge. Until I see it somewhere in the other side of the world and realize ‘Gee that face looks kinda familiar.’

Then again, we don’t always get to control the way things are in this world. People tend to take and publish your photos as they like. Some even have the tendency to photoshop you so you would have one less eye, or maybe a tainted tooth or they might just color your face so you looked bruised and make your pregnant.

Of course things are different when you are Katie Holmes or Brad Pitt or even Ellen DG; who always look good even if they don’t smile, because these people, they always have Gucci on, or Prada, or Chanel, and no one will ever care even if they wore their Dolce and Gabanna inside out. Better still, when they do decide not to dress up at all. God knows what will happen to me if I have my naked pictures taken!

Not only that, they have a pretty face which obviously earns them more than a penthouse on Fifth Avenue. So you see, that is the reason why they don’t mind having their pictures taken and published and photoshopped. Simply because they are generously paid.

Unlike me. Sigh.

I’m starting to wonder why I’m writing this post. I’m not ranting or anything but guess I have to get the message through that, unless you are selling it to Vogue or Cleo for a cover page, please kindly don’t take and publish my freaking photos anymore.

Thank you for your future cooperation.

Life is a piece of cake

2008-03-21T21:43:00.002+08:00

When I first saw the cake, it had icing all over. The colors were not too bright or too fancy - just nice, in my opinion. It looked smooth and attractive compared to the others. Muffins always appear too stiff and donuts too empty. So I bought it without further thought and kept it no longer than 5 seconds; then I ate.

Upon consumption, I find the icing a little rough in texture. It was sweeter than I had imagined. The middle layer of the cake was rock solid, unlike the first impression I had about it being soft and spongy. Sometimes I tried to liquefy it with orange juice but that was no tolerance, because while I managed to swallow it, the mixture almost spoilt the original taste, and I ended up disappointing myself.

Hence I abandoned the piece of cake and began looking for another one.

Looking for a suitable cake is not always easy. Along the way, you will get distracted by the people around you. They will most probably tell you sweet sounding lies with irresponsible exaggeration and for a long time you would be delusional in what you are really looking for. Was it a banana cream cheese or just a plain cheese?

Only after purchasing and tasting will you feel the pang of disappointment. Either or, the banana cream cheese was an obvious wrong choice. Such betrayals; often make me realize that it is undoubtedly safer to go on my quest alone because nobody will be allowed to promise anything with fleeting hopes. Nobody will tell me otherwise when I am aware that the cake I want most is the cake I can’t find. Simply because it’s not there.

Then I will stop searching. For a moment I will stare at the ceiling but after that I will move on. I will go somewhere else. But as tough as looking for a cake can be, usually the person who suffer most are those who don’t know which cake they really want.

The journey in search for a piece of cake is quite similar to the game of life. You get distracted along the way by the people around. You get fooled and you get beaten. They make you sadder, but in a way make you wiser and any cake that does not kill you only makes you stronger (They have calories).

Many people say in times of turbulence, hardship builds character. But the way I see it, it reveals character more than it builds. Hence if life is a game, then I will be a better player tomorrow than I was today; simply because I have learned not to play the game by the rules anymore.

The funny thing is...

2008-03-16T20:55:00.003+08:00

I didn’t know this, but a blook means a book published from a blog. It’s amazing what the digital world is making to our vocabularies. The next thing you know they might just sell their blooks on ebay and call them blookebay or ebloeay or something.

Speaking of ebay, I’ve been thinking of getting entrepreneurial and sell something one of these days. Maybe I would put my brother on auction just to see how much he’s worth :-)

Did some odd jobs today; apart from hardly completing half of my assignment. Studied some industrial relation rules in preparation for the upcoming test. Fried two eggs for lunch. Scolded the neighborhood dog for an hour in the evening. Another day has gone by. It will really be scary if each day is like this.

Things are pretty hectic now since it’s almost the mid semester already. I can see myself starting to avoid the crowd again. It’s not like I get to avoid them whenever I like because the school is such a small place; we’re bound to meet each other again in 5 minutes anyway. But I do try to avoid unnecessary encounters.

I’m not anti-social if you think I am. I don’t know how my father and mother brought me up as a child, however since childhood I was always on guard and never gullible. I always knew how to preserve distance; had a strong sense of privacy and could not understand the so-called brotherhood or sisterhood culture manifested by some cliques during school days. I was much more a solo.

P/S: I’ve just received and immediately declined an invitation to a wedding luncheon on March 30^th. Apparently a long lost friend is getting married. I must admit, that she was once a very close friend of mine. But the funny thing is, I’m not at all thrilled. Or feel anything a person is suppose to feel when a friend is tying the knot.

In fact, I’m indifferent.

Why am I not moved by this supercalifragilisticexpialidocious news?

I’m starting to wonder myself. But guess personally, if given the choice, I would attend a funeral rather than a wedding. Hmm...

Hold the cheers

2008-03-11T22:05:00.003+08:00

I’ve always felt that Penang had been orphaned at birth. While it has minimum resources, most of the financial capital contributing to the country’s GDP does come from this state. Because of this, we had often been abused and exploited without doubt.

Of course, after the first time betrayal succeeded, it was easy for them to do it again and again.

They always had brilliant plans for us. They even suggested a 10 year plan under the PGCC which I think is going to stop now. The funny thing about having a plan is, they don’t always cater for the unexpected. So, what do we do now that they have been overruled?

We improvise.

Just like what people do when they lose a hand after having plans to be a pianist; they basically focus on keeping their other hand instead.

Hence we did much thinking about how we’ve been unable to reach out for so long. And we thought right. We need change. We need change that we can depend on. The people have realized that sometimes, what they want is really what they need; while what they need - is simply a new plan.

For the first time it feels like Penang is regaining a father. The nation has responded with joy about the landslide democratic victory. This is something new and it feels like there is some form of confidence and hope, because for many years before, we could only use magical thinking to imagine the government ever making a difference.

In many ways this victory has brought the people back to life again.

But the real question is how we can find life now, without celebrating death?

P/S: Malaysia boleh :-) da di da...

Ellen DeGeneres is gRayT

2008-03-06T14:46:00.012+08:00

Hi there everyone. I see that you see that I've changed my blog address. Very well. Anyway, this is a post tribute to Ellen DG. She's the most inspiring person I know as of now. I think all of you should know her as well.

Ellen, if you are reading this, know that I inspire to be you. You are a blessing in gayguise. God says if you think hard enough about what you want to do in life you would eventually figure it out. I've thought about it and I have a purpose in life now, that is to be on your show.

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” ROFL!

her self composed "the emmy song"

Just a footnote, I heard being gay is religiously wrong. Does that mean gays can't be religious? Questions like this open up my eyes, gays are humans too, WHY do you feel it is WRONG?

When you grow up, being bombarded with messages subconsciously or as blatantly as they can be, that there is something wrong with you, simply for being gay or for whatever reason, for the color of your skin, it's hard. It's hard enough for a human being to get self respect and its hard enough to deal with the fear of rejection and approval and it gets worse and worse as you get older.

Do you seriously think people like this don't need our support to compensate their compounded situation?

Sometimes I think, these are good people. They are not crazy freaks. Don't hurt them. Don't despise them. Just let them be. I know how some of you can't accept the idea of a gay relationship yet. So we'll just leave that as that.

More importantly, it always hurts me to see people declaring their love, being unaware of the split-up they'll face soon. Gay or not, in this situation, they are the same people going through heartbreaks.

XOXO

Maybe I will

2008-03-03T14:26:00.009+08:00

I have just gone through my email folder where I keep mails I want to keep. Guess that is why many people prefer electronic materials, because you get to choose what you like and save it, and choose what you don't like and delete it.

In my case, I've just read all the mails I kept before and deleted them after rereading. I suddenly felt a need to delete them, though I very much want to save them.

The last mail I kept, was dated 2004. While reading, my soul was brought back to the past and my spirit let down by the reality of the day. I realise, that I am no longer the person in the mail.

As I read the mails with detachment, I was able to relate more to the things that I wasn't ready to accept back then. I was able to see both sides. I know, many things have happened since. Many things have changed. And I am certainly a better person than I was before. Or so I would like to believe.

Then again, maybe there is some truth in saying that people don't change much, they just argue better.

Somebody told me, "Remember not to revive past relationships. Don't romanticise anything. Just accept all in totality. Let it be. Let it all be. The past is dead and meaningless and should be buried. Do not try to rationalise anything, because all will result in the same logic, the same justifications, the same reasons why."

But I am a rational being. To not rationalise is difficult to the verge of impossibility. The problem with me is the past is not meaningless to me. How can something of the past be meaningful, you say? Well perhaps it's not something that matters most, it's someone.

Then again, like I've said, I've deleted all the mails that I've once kept. The next step is to burn away possessions.

Maybe I won't have the heart to. Maybe I will.

A reason to forget

2008-02-28T13:16:00.003+08:00

Okay I know this is late but I’m going to blog about it anyway.

Already 10 days have passed since the celebration of Valentines Day and during this occasion; several people took the initiative to write something about it. Many of whom either described the occasion with that much romance or just created a mockery out of it.

Hence how can I be left out? Let us now begin with my side of the story.

Last week the local paper wrote, “Valentine’s Day is an endorsement for a man in love – already an irrational and reckless creature at most other times – to elevate absurdity to new levels. Women, often the more sensible of the species, appear to be content to sit back and observed in amusement, as men turn into ingratiating and embarrassingly inept romantics on this day.”

For many of us Valentines Day only pretends to celebrate what we like about love while actually undermining it. Over time, as it ripens over devotion, love is simply a favor rendered, a sudden kiss, a private joke, and flowers for no reason. For those who feel well loved, everyday, of course, is Valentines Day. For the rest, no card can console.

Guess that’s why Valentines Day is often so nicely ridiculed and has inspired its own insurgency, “Singes Awareness Day,” in which the unattached celebrate their solitude. Despite this, looking for a Valentines Day gift is probably the most difficult shopping experience because unlike Christmas, or birthday presents, these gifts reflect not only taste and affection but the degree of commitment as well.

During this day, experts argue, is giving lingerie a turn on or just tacky? Restaurants sweeten the menu and hike the prices; Christian websites offer Valentine messages from God. You can buy a heart shaped potato on Ebay. It comes in a red box.

This got me wondering, how can a mere object, be the measure of love? Are these mortals merely in love with the idea of being in love?

Yet, there’s nothing wrong, of course, with delighting in love and honoring friendship and stopping in the middle of something to tickle the people we love. But it’s also a good sign of psychosocial health if the day just saunters by and winks and you feel no need to pay any sort of attention to it whatsoever.

And I have a legitimate reason for this because, the minute celebrating love feels like a duty, it has already lost its purpose.

So now after 10 days, may I ask how your Valentines Day was?

Penipuan Raya Malaysia

2008-02-21T11:18:00.008+08:00

Today marks the 15th day of the Lunar New Year. That means I am already 15 days older than I was since the year of pig. Definitely there will be loads of roasted pigs (kinda’ resembles the end of the year of pig) and even more fireworks being played tonight. Although so the atmosphere at home is different, not because of the New Year, but more because of the New Elections coming.

Campaigns after campaigns are held at different places with desiccated rat-faces giving insubstantial screeches. And if you observe closely you would realize that while you are taking things easy with life, there are many who are battling it out for many reasons, good or bad.

The way I see the world today, standing as an adult 15 days older, the government is going downhill if they do not change their agenda to give back more to the public. Pak Lah is the only man who is saying the economy is going good judging by the GDP but investors are convinced otherwise, what not with the much publicized US recession and Malaysia’s high dependence on export industry.

Let’s just see how far he goes to cover up his lies because in the end of day, when the dust settles down, no one can hide from the truth.

As an ending note, to all of you who are thinking of being a politician in the future, forget it if you are here for the fame and fortune. On the other hand, you should really think about being a humanitarian, it’s really an easier way to serve the public than to first waste public taxes campaigning and then telling them you are here to serve them.

So, have you made up your mind who to vote for? It’s okay if you haven’t because no decision is always also a decision.

P/S: Happy Chap Goh Meh. May you be ‘ratified’ this year! Enjoy the song I've put up. It is suppose to be on the billboard but it's not. C'mon sing with me. Cheers!

CNY breaking news

2008-02-15T21:52:00.002+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The Chinese New Year holidays are now over, and the year of rat will certainly be an interesting year that will bring about important events not only in my life but also the world. I described the events to be interesting mainly because they will ensue with eventual outcomes which are still uncertain.

The year of rat marks the beginning of another lunar roller coaster round. In my opinion, the year of rat means a year that will go by sniffing around in drain holes and sewage pipes. This will of course, indirectly influence especially the environment, causing water pollution and nose congestions to the cow, the tiger, the rabbit, the horse, the goat, the monkey and the pig. Yes, nose congestion is the new term for flu.

Facing such inevitable consequences, the rat will have to tell a lie of a mission to remain its pristine condition. Because the dragons will barbeque them for a white lie, the rats will have to tell a lie of a mission instead. And because I am the tiger, I will not speak on behalf of all animals in the population, both urban and jungle however this is a public announcement, that I, the tiger, will be prepared to provide financial incentives for the rats to kindly vanish themselves from potentially affected areas. Yes, financial incentive is the new term for bribery.

Generally, the battle is now on and war has officially begun for the rats to fight for their rights. The snakes have been hissing for too long now and since the rats are ready; they are not going back without victory. It may be human weakness to succumb to temptations but it is snake weakness to wallop every irresistible rat regardless of size. It is definitely a weakness the rats cannot combat with a gun. Hence there will be a major congregation to assist settlements in a very civilized manner. Voting will be held on 8^th of March for them to choose the right snake in the name of rat dignity and democracy. Yes, rat democracy is the new term for snake politics.

On the economic front, the mothers of all roosters have terrorized Bangladesh, Indonesia and Pakistan. H5N1 compatriots have attacked and what’s most obvious is the rats will eventually decide to remain self sufficient and become domesticated vegetarians. They will mingle only among themselves and federal statistics have shown great percentage of favorable outcome to this because it is easy to choose among them (they all have the same face).

This is much unlike the human population, where people often wear a mask and suffer from delusions of adequacy. While human beings are aware of their increasing fatality rate, they still don’t always choose the right people to mingle with. Research has shown that this may be due to the fact that the right people to mingle with prefer to be self sufficient. Yes, self sufficient is the new term for anti social.

Nevertheless the year of rat will usher in with a new president for the USA. Personally the election campaigns both locally and globally have proven that the people worldwide, regardless of the color white, black, yellow, green or purple, have somehow evolved to a higher level of understanding; that there is no such thing as making a difference alone.

Yet there was this confused soul who thinks he can take over the world and had to kill so many people around him to convince himself otherwise. Indeed, George W. Bush, who has obviously made such a mess of his term, that in relation to the rest of the world, whoever replaces him, Obama or Clinton, would certainly be able to make a difference.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

And that is the hope, however naïve it may be, that many of the people in the world hold on to.

I, on the other hand, being the vertically challenged self as I have always been, can only patiently wait for the answers the year of rat will bring to me and the world. Undoubtedly there will certainly be changes ahead; but the real question is – how much?

(Silent and stare at audience with pretentious concern)

Until we meet again the same time, same place, thank you for tuning in to this channel courtesy of CNY news special. Have a nice day and bah-bye!

新年快乐

2008-02-06T17:40:00.000+08:00

Seriously, you know the year has flown by when you receive the annual Chinese New Year missive from a far away friend and realise the last time you heard from her was the Chinese New Year before. All of a sudden your knowledge of her life fast forwards to include a death in the family, a new date and a sojourn to Mount Kinabalu and some new strokes for a badminton stunt.

It makes you think, these en masse letters or e-mails that try to sum up one's life of the past twelve months into one or two sheets of paper. It makes you see with alarming clarity that life after all, is quite brief when it comes down to it.

I sat down to think if I should do the same, at least for my friends who are in distant lands and whom I probably will not see until the end of the decade or so. And I thought of what I would say to them. Suddenly, the daily dramas of mom and dad, bro and me at home seemed all too trivial while some other dramas much too intimate to be dropped on to a page so nonchalantly without raising concerns. No point talking about those things. Storms that have passed are bygones. Mentioning them now will only raise belated worrying that is more bothersome than welcome.

Suffice to say, I will most likely forego the idea for myself. Not that there is nothing worth mentioning in my life. But the upshot of it all is that I guess I am happy where I am now today. I still dream of having a size 25. I still wonder what it would have been like if I had not quit pursuing my music degree. I still remember what it is like arguing with nonsensical people and I sometimes realize that loved ones look older when you glance at them unexpectedly.

However the final conclusion I always come to is that there are still many things that is capable of making me laugh. And everyone I love most is still alive and healthy. Which is a miracle in itself these days if you think about it.

I don't have any new clothes this year but I have received quite a few invitations for reunions. In the end I will only probably manage two or three and enjoy them tremendously. If you see me at one, please say hello.

Until then, have a safe holiday season and be with your loved ones. It really is the only way to celebrate.

Kitchen rule no 1: Listen clearly

2008-01-27T23:04:00.001+08:00

Ever since the birth of hawker stalls just a stone throw away from home, mom has dramatically decreased the frequency of the kitchen tools' usage. But last week, because we decided to give our faithful vehicle a major rest, mom took charge of the kitchen again. This was the main course of the day;

Gorgeous Macaroni and Cheese

So I strolled into the kitchen area while she was preparing the ingredients and before I managed to sneak out from it, she spotted me. Thank mighty god for the good tropical weather, mom got some onions from the backyard to spice up the dish.

Mom: Please cut the onions. Not like usual eh, make them in cubes.

Me: **scratch head, don't understand and simply cut onions like usual**

Because the kitchen was in quite a din with the sound of pots and pans fighting with each other, literally you would think it was a kitchen of mass destruction, if you were nearby. Thus you would understand why the following conversation (which was more of shouting than talking) took place.

Mom: Don't you understand what I said, cho ho ee bien cube!! mm si like this...haiyoh lu...

Me: **Scratch head again and continue cutting ritual**

Mom: **Snatch away knife and took possession of half cut onions** Kio lu cho ho ee bien cube lu beh hiau tia hior!!! haiyohhh.....

Me: Hamik cho ho ee bien cute....onion pun tiuk cute ee meh?!!!

After that mom almost killed me with the knife had I not escaped the kitchen with my fast running legs....Phew, rupanya ask me to make them into cubes. Baru ku tahu.

Sigh, ampun tuanku beribu ribu ampun :)